


Momentary Peace

by pandafarts



Series: frenzied love shizaya [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Anger Management, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Canon Disabled Character, Developing Relationship, Enemies to Lovers, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Healthy Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Relationships, past vorona/shizuo, that becomes healthier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:27:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 38,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24879196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandafarts/pseuds/pandafarts
Summary: “I feel like half the time I want to jump because I don’t want to exist anymore.” Izaya says eventually, “and the other half of the time I want to jump to see if I can fly.”“Which one is it now?” Shizuo’s hand creeps onto his elbow. To catch him or to simply steady him, who knows. Izaya will never admit that it’s welcome.“Does it matter? He snarls instead, rolling his eyes for affect, “Leads me here just the same."Izaya suspects he might have mental health problems. His former enemy turned boyfriend is more supportive than he expected.IF YOU WERE READING PROGRESSIVELY STITCHED AND SAW I DELETED IT, IT'S OKAY! I just didn't wanna do another series, so I included it in here, and will continue to update!
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya
Series: frenzied love shizaya [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2063985
Comments: 88
Kudos: 309





	1. to see if i can fly

**Author's Note:**

> I have been dealing with Bipolar related illness for the majority of my life and I wanted to write something about it. Izaya is dealing with some symptoms like mania including reckless sexual behavior and some suicidal thoughts. Basically he thinks about jumping off his balcony, no attempts are made, no great detail given, but if that is triggering maybe skip this one.
> 
> I might consider writing this as a multichap if people are interested. Let me know :)

Sometimes Izaya stands on the balcony of his expensive apartment, watching the shapes of the city blur by, the blue of the cement, and the whites and pinks of the people and the fading yellow of the passing headlights and wonders what it would feel like to die.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter what leads him here. Is it the depression, deep and sorrowful? So thick he can feel it in his throat when he accidentally meets his own gaze when he brushes his teeth at night, so sweet in a way he can’t explain. The pain of being human was so sweet and so terrible that he avoided his own eyes.

Or maybe it’s not the depression that leads him here.

He finds himself in others then. Sometimes in a bottle of beer, sometimes in a pair of wandering hands in a club. A stall in a bathroom that doesn’t close, so anyone can see. He gets high off of it. So high he can barely think, it feels so good. He’s lucky at this point that he’s clean. He’s lucky no rival gangs have killed him. He’s come close countless times, each manipulated little game he plays brings him closer to God. Not to God personally, but as a God himself.

The mania, the depression, either way he ends up here, just the same.

Izaya night after night, high or low ends up on this balcony. Watching the stars and the people and wondering.

_What happens if I jump?_

_What happens if I don’t?_

_Is any of this real?_

Suddenly Shizuo is in his life, different than before.

They still fight. They really do. It’s just as bad as ever. At first at least. Eventually they don’t have energy to kill each other.

Just…they fuck now. And it’s amazing. Shizuo is rough and strong and passionate. The only bad part is when he looks guilty at the marks he leaves afterwards. When he wonders softly if maybe Izaya wants him to stay the night and not just leave afterwards.

They catch feelings. Sex, especially good sex, releases chemicals in your brain. That’s all there is to it.

Fucking Shizuo makes him want to eat breakfast. Makes him want to stop finding strangers to play with. Makes him wonder if maybe he should stop messing with the city and just enjoy the body parts he has left. He’s used to not eating, not sleeping, but he finds himself sleeping for more than 6 hours a night, and eating more than once a day and he knows he’s screwed.

When Shizuo is done they smoke. Izaya used to hate putting chemicals in his body, but it feels wrong not to when Shizuo hands him a cigarette after a long session, especially when the former bartender looks so damn satisfied.

“So? How are the girls?” Shizuo asks once.

“What? Who?” Izaya asks dumbly as he drags his last drag. He really needs to stop.

“You’re sisters, stupid. Don’t you ever talk to them?” Shizuo demands. “You’re the only older brother they’ve got so why ignore them? So rude.”

“I don’t think they’d care even if I did.” Izaya stubs his out in the ash tray he bought for when Shizuo fucks him here. It dawns on him that he has ashtrays in his own house now and he starts to panic, because Shizuo is on the left side of the bed because it’s his side, and his uniform can be heard tumbling through the wall in Izaya’s dryer.

It has been a long time, since he’s fallen asleep by himself.

“It’s not too late.” Shizuo’s voice cuts through his panic like a knife through soft butter. It’s just as warm and moist around the edges, like the evidence of the night drying on Izaya’s thighs.

“For what?” Izaya gulps. Damn this brute for always ruining his composure!

“To be a big brother. To stop fucking with the lives of everyone in the city. It’s never too late until you’re dead and in the fucking ground.”

It’s all downhill from there. Izaya gets up. He shrugs on a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. He heads to the balcony. Shizuo, spent as he is, follows him. Since when did he follow with steps and not leaps and runs?

_He stopped chasing me and he still managed to catch me._

The air is surprisingly warm and pleasant. Izaya wants it to rain. Pour down on him like God was judging him. Wants it to be so cold that he freezes on the spot.

The people on the street so far below would be so surprised if he jumped. So startled, but then it would pass like it never happened at all.

“You’re suicidal?”

Izaya laughs humorlessly. “I think I have bipolar disorder.”

Shizuo hums. Izaya’s expecting him to say something about Izaya being crazy, but all the monster says is another characteristically unpredictable thing.

“Why don’t you go to a doctor and find out? Don’t they prescribe something for that?”

Izaya thinks his answer, but doesn’t speak it out loud. It’s too shameful.

“So what? The great Izaya Orihara is afraid of his own mind?”

Izaya freezes.

“What do you even know about me? You think because we’re messing around that you know me. But…”

“Thought so,” Shizuo easily cuts through his crap, damn him, “the question is simple. Do you want your life to suck?”

“Who says my life sucks?” Izaya says airly. The tremor in his voice gives him away.

“You don’t need to say it. I don’t mess around with you for the thrill you know. You’re growing on me like mold on cheese. I like you, dummy, and I can tell how miserable you are.” Shizuo is standing so close. It feels more intimate than sex, to have Shizuo saying these things. Who would have thought, he of all people would understand.

“I feel like half the time I want to jump because I don’t want to exist anymore.” Izaya says eventually, “and the other half of the time I want to jump to see if I can fly.”

“Which one is it now?” Shizuo’s hand creeps onto his elbow. To catch him or to simply steady him, who knows. Izaya will never admit that it’s welcome.

“Does it matter? He snarls instead, rolling his eyes for affect, “Leads me here just the same. I don’t know what to… what to do anymore.” The admission again feels more intimate than anything they’ve ever done in bed.

“Let me call Shinra. We both know he’s a hack, but maybe he knows a head doctor. Maybe you could find a way to feel more in control.”

Izaya makes himself breathe in a few times, lets the air soothe his fragile nerves. Shizuo’s face looks so neutral, compared to his usual faces. No anger like he used to only show around him, not anything unpleasant.

_He looks calm. Is he calm now when he’s with me?_

Izaya searches his mind.

Yeah. Now that he’s thinking about it, Shizuo’s almost always calm now.

They were together weren’t they? Did they get together and he was so stuck in his own head that he didn’t notice?

“Okay. You can call Shinra.” Izaya kisses him quickly like his dad used to kiss his mom when he left for work, way back in his childhood. It wasn’t a romantic kiss, but it felt good all the same.

Shizuo nods. He leads Izaya back inside.

Izaya would have never thought they’d get along. Or be together. Maybe in six months he’d be stable. Maybe he never would be and he’d have to fight.

It’s very late (or early? Who knows) but Shizuo starts banging around in the kitchen, complaining about being hungry and Izaya having nothing good to fix.

Izaya permits himself a little smile. He has no idea what the future holds

“Where the hell is your butter??”

Izaya snarls. “How should I know?”

When he goes into the kitchen Shizuo already found it and started cooking.

Izaya critiques his technique, standing close enough that he can feel his own breath falling on his neck.

It’s fleeting, these emotions, but he’s not going to take this momentary peace for granted. He’s not sure of anything. Nothing is life is certain.

Shizuo fixes him eggs and bullies him into eating. Izaya forgets sometimes. He’s gained eight pounds since this all started.

Healthy, Shinra had told him. You finally look healthy.

Healthy has never been a goal. Not ever before. Izaya starts thinking of how he’s going to break it to Shizuo that the cigarettes are going to go.

_Making plans with him, I see._ The traitorous part of his mind teases. Izaya takes another bite and nods to himself. He had a lot of power, and influence. He had people who were afraid and would work for him. He had money, plenty of it in the bank, and this gorgeous apartment.

He has nothing. Nothing honestly. Expect for Shizuo. Maybe he could rebuild his friendship with Shinra? Maybe he could become an awesome big brother.

“Hey! Eat your food. Skinny.”

Izaya’s not sure of anything. Who knows how long he’ll be on this earth breathing. How long Shizuo will enjoy his company and not resent him for his personality flaws.

But, it’s here now. And he was going to enjoy it. Protect it with his flawed little heart.

“You always make me eat. If you’re cooking wasn’t so terrible…”

Shizuo sputters offended and Izaya grins.

_I want this for as long as I can have it._


	2. bitter on the tongue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this as a oneshot but I still have ideas! Let's do this! Lemme know what you guys think <3 Also I am writing Izaya as a little angry towards Verona, but like she's not a villain in this if you like her. I like her too! I kinda hate when people hate a character because they get in the way of the ship they like, if that makes sense. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting last chapter, I am looking forward to seeing how you guys like this chapter. I have noooo idea how long this will be but we will see <3

Izaya still gets jobs, mostly from the Awakusu. Sometimes he takes them. Sometimes they are past what he can do now, with his body more or less ruined by the injuries Vorona had inflicted on him. Other times still, he passes a job to someone else because it’s dangerous even for him, and he wonders if maybe Shizu Chan would worry.

The only person he’ll admit that to is himself, and even that’s rare.

He won’t admit it aloud, but when Shizuo says something along the lines of “if you got killed, I’d be unhappy,” it kind of sticks in his mind. Nobody has ever cared about Izaya before. Well, that isn’t quite true. Nobody has cared that Izaya cared about in return, meaning that this wasn’t just someone who liked him that he hadn’t turned around and hurt. Izaya was skilled at scorning people. Once he realized that Shizuo was more human than monster, the lonely ache at his core had been harder than ever to ignore. He remembers thinking ‘maybe this could become something.’

The minute Vorona had stabbed him; Shizuo had made the strangest face. Nobody knew about their arrangement, and they liked it that way. The first time they had fucked had more or less shocked them both. Izaya less so: he knew anger and passion were closer related than people would think. He wasn’t opposed to having Shizuo take all his anger out on him, planning to keep some of his clothes on so he could have access to his switchblade should things spiral too far out of control.

He had been asking for a beating, starting shit so close to Ikebukuro. Shizuo chased him away often, screaming his name, offering to kill him, you know the drill. But he rarely actually caught him.

Shizuo had him by the collar of his favorite jacket, smoky ashtray breath wafting over him. It hadn’t been as repulsive as it should have been.

“What are you going to do with me now that you’ve caught me? Shizu Chan.”

The kiss that followed had been cruel. Shizuo in the aftermath demanding why it had happened. He hadn’t seen the possibilities like Izaya had, and it genuinely freaked him out that he liked kissing Izaya. He had been shocked.

It was too calculated to be a spur of the moment mistake. There was a retreat to a more private area and prep and condoms. This is where the shocking part was for Izaya.

“Hey, yes or no?” he had demanded

Izaya had stopped what he was doing (let your imagination do its magic) and stared at him blankly.

“Yes?”

Shizuo had yanked his hair and fumed at him.

“Don’t ask like it’s a question! You wanna fuck or not? I’m a lot of things, but I’m not going to force myself on ANYONE, not even the likes of you.”

Consent. The fortissimo of Ikebukoro, the personification of violence himself was asking for Izaya’s consent.

Izaya gave it. Enthusiastically. Repeatedly. They fucked a lot, and yeah, it wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t loving, but it was fantastic.

Then when Vorona stabbed Izaya, Shizuo looked troubled. Like something wasn’t right. In the moment afterward where Izaya wasn’t sure if he would live, he wondered why.

_We hate each other and it’s just sex._

When he’s done bleeding and he’s out of the city, he gets a text from Celty.

_How are you feeling?_

He doesn’t answer it right away because it’s strange. Between Shinra’s bitter disdain and Celty’s reluctance to take jobs from him, he knows neither of them actually care,

It’s not _from_ Celty.

He texts out his reply.

_Tell the monster I almost died. But I’m still kicking._

There are many months where he stews in his thoughts. Examines his character even as he tells himself he doesn’t care. Eventually he decides to do his physical therapy and get out of his wheelchair. It still hurts if he pushes too hard.

He remembers putting down his phone, one of his many phones, and feeling a sense of irony so thick it was more pronounced than his pain.

_Shizuo hates me. But not consistently._

Months later he still has trouble, physically. Vorona had stabbed with the intent to kill, and while he had managed to leave his chair, he still had pain that radiated like nothing he’d ever felt.

When he goes to talk to the doctor Shinra suggests for him, he is told that he likely has bipolar disorder from birth and PTSD from the fights he’s been in.

They pick up his meds at the corner pharmacy and a pack of smokes for Shizuo. He lets the brute buy a packaged cupcake on the promise that Izaya won’t have to eat any of it. Their taste buds are still on the opposite end of the spectrum.

Izaya’s lithium is tasteless, but still leaves him bitter. Shizuo had sat on the doc’s couch with him while he was interviewed. He’s never been asked these types of questions.

_Have you ever considered suicide?_

_Do you hear voices?_

Such strange questions, and Izaya was not happy with his answers.

The psychosis was about the only thing that truly scared him. It was unnerving to hear a voice that wasn’t his own, telling him such awful, unnecessary half-truths.

Would the world truly be better off without me? Do people find me so lacking?

_You should just die. Nobody loves you._

The fact that Shizuo squeezed his hand as he tentatively described his urge to fling himself off a building made him wonder if maybe he did. Love him that is.

They started him on a reasonably low dose. The doctor that Shinra had directed him to explained carefully that Lithium was a salt, and that too much built up in his system could leave him dehydrated, ill, and possibly worse.

He was also told, that it was reasonably safe to take long term, more effective than a lot of newer drugs.

“So how long do I need to take it?” he had asked rather stupidly.

The look he gets is softly kind and sad. From both of them.

“Mr. Orihara, this is a genetic disorder that you will have all your life. Bipolar with Psychosis is quite serious. You will likely be medicated lifelong.”

Swallowing around the sudden lump around his throat, Izaya had breezily thanked him for his time. When he got home, he jumped in the shower and wondered about drowning himself. Shizuo pads into the shower, and Izaya is so lost in thought that he startles when the shower curtain parts to let his lover in.

“Sorry.” Shizuo mumbles authentically. He kisses Izaya as he inhales to make a snotty remark, one he wouldn’t have meant anyways. He’s pathetically grateful that he wasn’t by his self at the appointment.

The kiss is far too sweet around the edges, so smooth and delicious and _affectionate,_ that Izaya isn’t entirely sure if Shizuo, much less anyone has ever touched him like this.

“Dry off,” Shizuo commands softly, gently even. “I wanna try something different.”

“Oh is that so. Like what? Blindfolds?” he teases.

“No. I want to see you. I want you to see me.”

It dawns on Izaya, that the blond wants to make love to him. Something they’ve never done. Even as heat builds in his groin and annoyingly probably in his cheeks, he anticipates in a pleasant way, butterflies fluttering in his stomach like some meal that left him overly full and satisfied.

He needs this, for Shizuo to love him. For anyone really. He loathes that he does.

He’ll die a thousand deaths before he admits it.

“Okay.” He says simply instead. And they do. They make love. Shizuo is gentle, coaxing him off instead of dragging him (for once) and he lets his weight rest on Izaya afterwards, and kisses lazily at his neck while Izaya swallows around the lump in his throat.

“Do you love me?” he asks into the open air. He pets through Shizuo’s hair.

“Don’t be stupid flea. You know I do.”

Izaya’s not a sound sleeper and not even someone who slept through the night could sleep after that. He thinks about a lot. How he’s probably not safe back in Bukoro. How angry he is that his boyfriend and the woman who made it hard for him to lift his arms are still coworkers, and even worse still _friends._

How much it sucks that he has to take these pills to pretend to feel human. How happy he is that Shinra sent him to a doc and didn’t just blow him off.

His phone glistens as it catches his eye. He wants to call them, his sisters who he usually ignores. Make an effort. He’s just...

_“So what? The great Izaya Orihara is afraid of his own mind?”_

Izaya laughs humorlessly. He is. Anyone who’s lived with his thoughts really should be.

Shizuo snores loudly. Smokers tend to do that. His grip is too tight.

Izaya isn’t sure if he wants to get away or bury himself deeper in.

_He won’t love you forever._

Izaya can’t wipe his eyes because he’s being held so tight.

Well he loves me now, Izaya thinks. For now at least.


	3. quietly hopeful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback! Hope you guys like this chapter! <3

“Just try to relax. Count to ten. People do this all the time, you know.”

“Shut it flea! They make TV ads about how hard this is!”

“I’m not saying not to at all. Just less. We can work up to not at all.” Izaya tries to make his voice soothing, but it comes out a little condescending like it always does. Shizuo doesn’t seem to appreciate it, from the glare he shoots at his boyfriend. Izaya tries a trick he uses when getting information, appearing as open in body language as possible so people trusted him. This is probably the first time he’s done so with good intentions.

He can tell the moment it works by the slump in Shizuo’s shoulders.

One Point

“I’ve smoked for so long.” Shizuo grumbles after a moment, “I feel like I always will.”

“Has it occurred to you that this is why you fail?” Izaya points out. Shizuo groans.

Point two for two.

“I need a distraction.” His implications are made clear by the hands suddenly on Izaya's hips.

“You want to go again? We’re out of…”

“You’re clean, I’m clean. We established that. Unless you’re fucking someone else?” The accusation is slight, but still there. Shizu chan’s never had anything this serious, neither has Izaya, so these increasingly less frequent moments of insecurity don’t really provoke any anger for either of them anymore.

“No. Just you.” Point for Shizuo. Izaya’s so new to this that it’s incredible. Incredible, amazing, terrifying to have one partner at a time for this long.

“Then come on.” Shizuo’s voice is even, close to gentle if you take away the edge of arousal. It’s not a surprise that a relationship that started as purely sexual is so animalistic after the love finally showed up, but the fact that Shizuo has turned sex with Izaya into a _comfort_ thing still surprises him.

“Can I top?” Izaya asks suddenly. He regrets it instantly. Izaya’s topped a handful of times, but Shizuo is too pent up to relax sometimes, and quite frankly Izaya likes receiving more. He probably shouldn’t ask a nicotine deprived Shizuo if he can stick his…

“Sure. Why not? I’d like to see what all the fuss is about.” Shizuo says evenly instead. Izaya can’t read him like he can other people. He’s forever unsure if he hates it or likes it.

He might love it, but it’s too soon to tell.

The next few days are a blur. Izaya’s body has grown accustomed to nicotine as well, and as much as he wants to rub it in Shizuo’s face that his journey with ditching cigarettes is smoother, his own personal process isn’t fun either despite having started more recently and supposedly being Shizuo’s better half.

Shizuo at least can eat candy when he gets the urge to put something to his lips. Despite having no taste for such things, Izaya does eventually eat two lollipops in a row just to have something to do with his fingers and mouth.

He’s so irritable, that Shizuo making sly eyes at him as he’s sucking on the candy makes him angry, instead of intrigued.

After about a month, they are both off. Tom is extra careful to not smoke in front of Shizuo, but Izaya rarely sees him. Friends of Shizuo’s don’t really approve of them dating. Celty and Shinra made a lot of comments about how weird it was, but still took jobs from Izaya. That was fine. Vorona said nothing and made herself scarce, which suited Izaya just fine, and Tom and Kadota were silent on the matter. In a way that was a little awkward.

Walker and Erika were delighted. It was weird.

His sisters… he doesn’t know what they think.

Kasuka had asked Izaya straight out, blunt as can be, with no expression, if Izaya thought he was good enough for Shizuo.

Izaya had smiled, “I don’t think so, but we make it work”

Kasuka had nodded, and brought by two autographs for Kururi and Mairu the next day. He was apparently more or less satisfied by Izaya’s honesty.

He needed to give them to the girls, but he was hesitant to talk to them. The way he treated them all their lives didn’t quite feel right in his new mindset. He wasn’t a kind and doting big brother by a very long shot, but sneering at them didn’t feel right now either. He wasn’t going to delude himself and say that he was going to become kind like Celty or good natured like Mikado or sweet like Anri, or affectionate like Shinra.

To an extent he liked who he was. The only problem was that being who he was caused a lot of damage. Decay, if you will, to the people around him, and yes, even to himself.

It was new, that this fact meant anything to him.

It’s sometime after Shizuo has left to shower after their latest ‘afternoon delight’ (something Shinra said once, that disgusted Izaya so badly, that Shizuo worked it into conversation whenever he could) that Izaya is trying to work up the courage to text the twins.

“Just do it. They might hate you forever but they could also forgive you.” Shizuo says over his shoulder when he returns to the room. He’s barely toweled off, dripping water on the bedsheets, and Izaya can’t scold him because he smells so good.

“I’m leaning towards hating me forever.” Izaya snarks.

“Hmm. Well you’re a worse person than they are. You know what I mean?”

Ow.

“Point? Did you come here to insult me or just to ruin the sheets?”

“It’ll dry, stupid. You’re a bigger asshole than they are, and you’ve gotten a little better. So, it’s more likely that since they are a bit nicer, that they won’t hate you forever.” Shizuo fidgets with his lighter at the bedside. He doesn’t smoke anymore, but flicking it on seems to dull the urge. His voice goes a little quiet, earnest and smooth.

“Does that make sense?”

“Yeah.” It does. Izaya stares at the text he’s waited to send, agonized over, and after a last careful proofread sends it. He’s texted, messaged, and emailed all sorts of people for decades, but never has he sat nervously and feared the response.

He doesn’t hold any power here. It was up to them, and if he were them he wouldn’t talk to him either.

_I have a Yuuhei Hanejima autograph for each of you. You don’t even have to do anything, just stop by._

Mairu texts back first

_Oh yeah right. Either they are fake, or there’s a major catch._

Kururi texts second

_A trap_

Izaya puts his head in his hands. He wants too much. He wants Shizuo in his bed every night. He wants his sisters to text him when they weren't causing trouble. Maybe even a hot pot party with everyone. How come everything was enough until he took a better look around, better look inside? Looked around and saw that for _everything_ he had, there was nothing left? He wasn’t even 30 but he was old enough that there should be more than _nothing_ on a golden platter in his life.

Shizuo takes the phone with one hand and presses him to the mattress with the other.

“You got like 4 hours of sleep last night. You should nap.” Shizuo pats his face,

“What if they say more?”

“Then you can text them later. It’ll take time.” Shizuo’s own phone buzzes on the other table.

“I gotta go to work”

Izaya nods. “Ok.”

It buzzes again. A faint smile appears of Shizuo’s face as he reads it. Izaya really hopes it’s not Vorona.

“Hey? You free around 9? Tom’s coming around to us a little bit. Finally agreed for us all to get drinks.”

Izaya blinks. “You’ve asked Tom to drink with us?” Izaya doesn’t drink but..

Shizuo laughs loudly, “Well yeah! You’re my boyfriend and he’s my friend. I want him to like you. Nine then?”

Izaya smiles without meaning to. He kisses Shizuo goodbye. The smack of their mouths signals his hope for normalcy.

“Sure. That’s fine.” 

Izaya’s phones buzzes again when Shizuo is gone, and his head is on the pillow.

He can’t bring himself to look at it.


	4. talking to the god i dont believe in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the kudos! Lemme know if you guys like this update :)

It was game. Just a game. At least at first he thought so.

_Do you want to disappear with me?_

How many people had he asked that? It was downright predatory the suicide pact games, but he did it anyways. More times than he could count. He loved humans so much, and they didn’t become any less interesting in their pain.

_Dying means to be gone. And what goes, is not your pain, but your existence itself. But in your mind, you think that you’d have a sense of “nothing” after you die. How can you call that “nothing”? In other words, you don’t even have an idea of what death is really like._

Death was a comforting thought. If things in his life got worse, there was a way out. He remembers that girl… the one whose father was having an affair, and how he had set her up to consider her actions, her life in his hands as they hung on the ledge.

He had been this high and mighty God in that moment, and yet months later he was thinking the same things she had been, looking at the stain on the street below he had mocked her with, with a sick sort of longing.

He always had this little joke in the back of his head.

_They want to jump and I don't. I'm so much better._

Until suddenly he realized that he _did_ want to jump.

_It’s all just a big stain on the pavement now. Everyone equal, before God._

Izaya still doesn’t believe in God, but he still talks to him. When Shizuo’s got him pinned hitting every angle right with his hand tight in Izaya’s hair.

_Oh God._

When Jinnai’s knife finds its mark in his side, and later on when Vorona’s does too:

_Please God._

When his sister’s agree to come over the following day to get the autographs, and he realizes he has a chance to win them over again.

_Thank you God._

Maybe he believes more than he thought.

Tom’s going to meet them in about an hour. Izaya really should be getting ready. Shower maybe. He still looks and smells like sex, because he hasn’t moved since Shizuo left for work. He’s been on his phone ‘working’ for about… how many hours now? Doesn’t matter. But maybe he needs to comb his hair at least. Shizuo isn’t home yet but Izaya suspects he will take one good look at him and decide not to bring him after all.

Namie’s texted him a few times. He’s not sure how he feels about their work anymore. It’s not to say he doesn’t enjoy the thrill of pulling strings and playing mind games anymore. It’s not that he’s suddenly some benevolent person who regrets what he’s done.

He shoves that tiny part of him deep down like he always does.

Selfishly, he just wonders if maybe he should retire. He’s broken. He can’t raise his arms very well; walking wasn’t that easy. He has nerve damage, and scar tissue, and he has nightmares almost every night.

Izaya’s scared to die, and the path he’s on is deadly. He can’t justify his old lifestyle, not when he knows he could go off the deep end so effortlessly.

He’s afraid. Of a lot of things.

Words Shinra spoke of him once keep echoing in his ears.

_People think of him like some cold-blooded monster, but he’s more human than anyone I know; he’s so fragile inside. If you pumped him full of love and betrayal and such, I think he’d fall apart_

So what then? Shizuo loves him? And now he’s falling to pieces?

He's a delicate person, broken, bruised, corrupted, damaged beyond repair, bitterness his only defense, cruelty his bread and butter.

The worse he got the meaner he became, until everyone hated him, which in turn made him even worse.

That’s how it was. He’s self aware of all of that at least, but he can’t say for certain he was still completely that way.

The doorbell rings.

Shit. Izaya jumps up, brushes his teeth and finger combs his hair. He still looks a little sexed out, but anyone rude enough to show up announced wasn’t one to complain.

Tom’s early.

His heart leaps when he looks through the keyhole.

“Hey! Give us those autographs!”

“You two were supposed to come by tomorrow.” He scolds. Internally his heart is torn between glee and panic. He hadn’t even thought of what he wanted to say to them, and here they are.

Mairu snorts, “you expect us to wait to get Yuuhei’s autograph? This is amazing, do you think we could meet him?” It should be a question, but the edge in her voice lets him know it’s more of a demand and less of a request.

“Yes. Amazing.” Kururi adds quietly, “We’d like to meet him.”

He should have known autographs wouldn’t be enough.

“That’s beside the point.” Izaya starts. Mairu giggles.

“Yeah, see Kururi? I told you that the autographs were just to get us here. You want us to do some sketchy job, and this is just to soften us up. But we gotta warn you brother dearest, we expect good payment for being your gofer.”

Kururi nods. Izaya feels his heart sink.

“There’s no job. I just wanted to talk to you both.”

“About what?”

Izaya feels like the world is caving in on him, and their expectant eyes didn’t help.

“I’ve been a lousy brother. I’m sorry. I want to be better for both of you.”

A silence.

Laughter.

“Haha! Kururi what the heck do you figure all that means? You aren’t dying are you brother? Suddenly regretful and full of angst because your life is coming to an end?”

Izaya laughs. It comes out a bit edgy and bitter. He’s still so rusty at this.

“Unfortunately for you dear sister, I am alive and well. I’m afraid you won’t be inheriting my fortune anytime soon. Just take it as it is. I’m sorry. For everything.”

Mairu regards him with squinting eyes.

“Sure. Let’s blow this pop stand. I wanna see how much I can sell this for.” She holds up her autograph. “C’mon Kururi!”

Izaya had expected something like this, but it didn’t slow the growing ache in his chest.

_So Izaya Orihara has a heart after all._

Mairu is singing as she skips away. Kururi is still standing next to Izaya, studying him.

“Aren’t you going to go with her?”

She looks around, as though she doesn’t want her sister to see, and gives him a brief, one armed hug.

Izaya doesn’t even hug her back because it happens so fast. He’s never touched either of them, so the press of her against him is a shock. It’s surreal.

“Are you keeping yours?” he asks dumbfounded.

“Kururi! C’mon on! Don’t let him sucker you in!” Mairu calls from farther down the hallway.

Kururi nods.

“I’ll get a frame. Bye!”

And just like that they are gone. Izaya’s not sure what to label the emotion in his chest.

Is it happiness? Is it pain?

Well, one out of two wasn’t bad for the first attempt. His phone starts buzzing from inside.

He scrambles to pick up.

“Hey.” Shizuo’s voice says calmly. You still gonna meet us at nine?”

He had been hoping to do the twins tomorrow and Tom tonight. Really space out his difficult tasks, but it would seem this wasn’t going to happen.

He’s still scared. He hates how cowardly he’s become. Kururi’s gesture made him wonder though, if the fix was easier than he was anticipating it to be

  
”Yeah. What bar?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's probably weird for Izaya to talk about death as being both comforting and scary, but that's how I've heard other suicidal real life people describe it (and how I've experienced it myself) so I hope it's not too confusing XD


	5. shower, stupid! get it over with!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and kudo'ing and commenting. Hope ya'll enjoy. I'm having fun with this.

_So what, you're nervous? Shower, stupid and get it over with._

Izaya still has trouble in the shower. He's weak, physically for starters; weaker than maybe he's been his entire life. His days of leaping from building to building, winning fights, outrunning others are long gone. He should have known they were numbered. Nobody can climb to the top and stay there for long.

One way or another, in a strange way he had this coming for a long time. He knows this at least.

Still...

Izaya mourns the loss of his body, and feels anger burn white hot when it's hard to do something simple he used to do without a second thought. Like rinsing shampoo out of his hair, slipping on his shoes, bending over to pick something up. It makes him so angry, not just with Vorona, but somehow stupidly at himself too.

If he hadn't lived this high risk, poke powerful scary people with a stick, kind of life, he'd have no scars at all, but that wasn't the type of life he wanted.

He had been in the wheelchair for a few agonizing months after the stabbing and it wasn't until he and Shizuo really 'got together' that he had any motivation at all for physical therapy, or really for anything. Sometimes he felt like he didn't eat until he saw his boyfriend cooking something, sometimes he didn't sleep unless he got fucked good.

He _needs_ Shizuo and it's unhealthy and he hates it.

His therapist used a lot of phrases to describe his situation, and always explained it, even when Izaya already knew what it meant.

Codependency and psychosomatic being some of the more popular ones.

He feels nervous walking to the izakaya. He's got a lot of enemies, and very few friends and with his muscles screaming at him and his hair dripping onto his shirt he feels soft, vulnerable.

Shizuo lifts a hand in recognition when he sees him. It would be a subtle gesture if his entire face didn't light up.

Tom gives him a polite yet neutral chin tilt. It sends a 'hey man, we're cool vibe' that relieves a little of his nerves.

It's then when Izaya is thinking things might be okay that he gets the stomach drop of a lifetime.

"So... I hope you guys don't mind, but Vorona will be joining us."

"Oh no problem! It's not like she tried to _kill_ me or anything," Izaya laughs bitterly. He knows he's dripping venom, but what do they expect? He feels more than irritated, and more than a little scared. She crippled him and she's coming? Do they really thing he'll forgive a literal knife to the back?

"Yeah, I think we should wait on that. You didn't mention it before and I don't think it's a good idea yet." Shizuo says steadily. Izaya doesn't feel steady. He feels angry and nervous and woozy. His freshly washed hair still feels wet on his neck. That must be it. He knows it's not possible that it's cold sweat.

"Are you serious? You two tried to kill each other for like a decade. That's a double standard." Tom points out. Izaya wants to slap him. Somehow getting stuff thrown at him felt different than emergency surgery. 

"Fine." Shizuo sighs, "she can come. It'll be nice to see her."

_For you maybe you brute. I'm sure you'd love to see her, and her big purple eyes, and her huge tits. Not like she's ever tried to you know, send you straight to hell!_

“Who says you’re the one who gets to decide?” Izaya fumes, “last time I checked I’m the one who lost a liter of blood and was in a wheelchair for several months.”

“Right,” Tom breathes, “you have a point there. My bad. Let me just text her. Tell her we weren’t able to tonight.”

“It’s fine. I’m not sure I’m interested in drinking tonight anyways.” Izaya feels the hurt like a nettle in his skin, sticking to him prickly and stinging. He knows he’s been a total lunatic for several years now, but if he can admit it, this was more than making a statement. More than a ‘fuck you I don’t want to drink with you anyways’. He’s insulted sure…

He has dreams of Vorona plunging the knife into his side. He wakes up and feels like he’s going to vomit. He wishes he’d scream for once so Shizuo will wake from his dead sleep and make him feel better. He could wake him…. he just can’t.

“It’ll be fine.” Shizuo says softly. His voice feels like a lifeboat in a tossing sea. “Just the three of us. I’ll buy you a beer.”

Izaya knows his face is hot with mortified heat. He wants Shizuo to be happy, and he knows blending the important people in his life together will make him happy. He can’t pick Izaya over everyone else. Izaya doesn’t want him to. He knows eventually he’ll have to accept even the Crow too or at least learn to not show how much he hates her when Shizuo brings her up.

Why is Shizuo with him and not her? It doesn't make sense. It's obvious who the winner is of the two of them.

“Better make it a couple beers.” Izaya says after a moment. He gives his head a little dismissive shake.

He refuses to be jealous of an awkward bookworm of a hitman. Lavender eyes and big boobs, aside.

“Deal.”

The bar isn’t terribly crowded since it’s a Wednesday. It would be nice if there were some people filling the bar with noise, that way he wouldn’t have to make conversation.

People stare at them, or more accurately him. They are probably in disbelief to see the infamous informant with two of the better men in the city. They may be debt collectors, but Izaya deals with the Yakuza. It was like a shoplifter hanging out with a murderer. They weren’t straight up, well-behaved Japanese citizens but they were certainly more moral than Izaya’s ever cared to pretend to be. The feeling of not being one of them was overwhelming and damning all at once.

He feels cotton in his throat when he swallows.

Izaya’s phone buzzes as Tom and Shizuo find a table.

He can’t believe who it’s from.

It’s a photo from Mairu accompanied by a text.

It’s a photo of her autograph, framed in a blue butterfly patterned frame. It looks beautiful, like she actually spend some good yen on it.

_They had a blue one and a purple one, but I made Kururi take the purple one because the blue was way better, but it turned out okay because she wanted purple anyway._

Izaya has a lump in his throat as he responds.

_I think the blue one looks nice._

_Me too! Hey you wanna come to my meet at the dojo? Kururi says I should be nice to you :p_

It suddenly doesn’t matter. Vorona, his pain, his nerves. He didn’t just win back easy going Kururi he had won over her firecracker of a twin. They still gave a shit about him. They still desired him in their life.

_When and where? I’ll be there._

“Dude are you crying?” Tom asks incredulously. He hands Izaya a couple of napkins even through his disbelief.

“It’s nothing. Sorry” He should be embarrassed; well he is a little, but fuck. He has a family now. He’s not sure he’s ever had one in the typical sense.

Shizuo squeezes his knee under the table, gives him a look that lets Izaya know without words that he won’t ask because he doesn’t want to embarrass him in front of Tom, but that he’ll listen if Izaya says something.

Izaya feels a little bold. Maybe even brave.

“My sisters weren’t really… We aren’t on great terms, but they want to give it a shot. Being siblings I mean.” Izaya scrubs briefly and furiously at his eyes. He feels stupid now.

Shizuo looks happy. And proud. Nobody’s ever looked at Izaya proudly before.

“Man, I wish I had siblings,” Tom says earnestly. “That sounds beautiful. Hey I’m going to get some food. You want anything Shizuo?”

“The usual.”

“Izaya?”

“Oh! Uh…”

Tom laughs, “I’ll see if they have a menu. They do a lot of snacks, small plates. I think it’s cool your sisters are meeting you halfway.”

Izaya’s not sure what to say to that. It’s surreal that the twins and Tom are suddenly okay with him. It feels too good to be true.

Someone taps him on his shoulder. Izaya spins and feels his good fortune slip out of him with his next breath. He plasters a smile on, and pretends he’s not caught off guard.

“Hey. I need to talk to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who could it be.... I'll give you a hint, it's not who you think ;P


	6. old wounds and new friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Izaya has a pretty bad panic attack at the end of this chapter, in case that's triggering for anyone. I will always put warnings for stuff like that in the note. I don't want anyone to get caught off guard.
> 
> Thanks for the comments. Everytime I get one, I am so excited! Lemme know what you guys think. Hope you enjoy!

“Well if it isn’t little Masaomi Kida. Been awhile.”

“It hasn’t been long enough. And I’m 20 now asshole!”

“Scary! Not even 21 and in a bar.”

“Can it.” Masaomi shuffles in his shoes, “I need work.”

Work? Masaomi quit ‘working’ for Izaya ages ago. Said he was tired of his bullshit, being his go to guy for small and dangerous tasks. He must be truly desperate to come crawling back after his explosive exit.

Izaya doesn’t just feel a mental click, he swears he hears it aloud.

“So? How far along is Saki?” He taunts. Masaomi colors.

“Who says she’s pregnant?”

“You did, when you blushed, and also when you came crawling back to the last person you ever wanted to work for.”

“Fuck off.” Masaomi sighs heavily. It’s not an angry statement, just a simple dismissal. “Like don’t get me wrong I’m happy. I just don’t make very much at the store.”

“Did you get fired because of your past with being in a gang?”

He says nothing.

Izaya wants to taunt him. Wants to make him pay for leaving. Wants to get inside his head.

_Hey you wanna come to my meet at the dojo? Kururi says I should be nice to you._

He knows exactly what to say to ruin him.

_Don’t be stupid flea. You know I do._

“Sorry to disappoint, but I have no use for you. You shouldn’t be working for someone like me. You can do better.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Izaya sighs, “You need to go straight. Completely. Your child’s life should have nothing to do with me, or your old life. If you want you can use me as a reference. I’m sure you realize how afraid people are of me.”

“You serious right now? Like your name is worth any good in this town.” Masaomi sits down heavily, “I honestly just don’t know where else to turn.”

“So, then turn a direction you haven’t gone before. See where it leads. Like I said I don’t want any part of it. We both know how much damage I’ve already caused.”

He’s responsible for corrupting Saki, for the bones they broke, and the bruises that formed. He even got Shizuo shot and framed Masaomi for it.

If he lets himself feel guilt, he’d perish in agony, never to recover. So he doesn’t.

“You’re different now.” The younger says hesitantly, “What’s the catch?”

Izaya laughs softly, “If there was, would I tell you?” Izaya is different. He feels strange in his skin. But as unpleasant as it is to feel the change, he wants to be the sort of person who deserved Shizuo’s love, the twins invitations, and Tom’s acceptance.

“True.” Is all Masaomi says.

“How’s Mikado?” Izaya asks. Masaomi seems to consider his answer carefully. Smart kid.

“He and Anri are still going steady. Running the antique shop her parents used to own. Far as I know they aren’t dabbling in the underground anymore. But we’ve always been good at keeping secrets, haven’t we?”

“That is also true.” Izaya says. “Have you told people?”

“About Saki? No, not yet. We wanna tell Mikado and Anri soon, and our parents. I don’t know how they will react. We aren’t married yet.”

Izaya hums. “My lips are sealed.” He means it honestly, but younger looks concerned now.

“Hey! Izaya!” Tom calls, “we got you a menu!”

“See ya.” Masaomi shrugs, “Didn’t wanna work for your lame ass anyways. Keep your mouth shut for once.” He’s gone before Izaya can think of a reply.

He wonders if he should have said congratulations.

“So…” Shizuo appears at his side. “I want this and this, and we’ll split this…”

Izaya feels oddly relieved, to have that particular confrontation done with, but a little unsettled too.

“So, how did you two get past the rivalry?” Tom asks curiously gesturing between them “Did you realize you had feelings deep down or something?”

“Initially we just had a lot of angry sex. After awhile we cared about each other.” Izaya states bluntly. Both Tom and his boyfriend flush.

“Damn. Was it even…” Tom starts to ask. He stops himself.

“Good? It was always good. And nothing ever happened if we didn’t want it to.” Izaya says.

“Just was a little rough and ugly at first.” Shizuo mumbles. Izaya notes his ears are pink and decides to keep it as ammo for later.

“So what changed?” Tom asks curiously.

“I guess,” Shizuo starts carefully, “We were alike in the sense that we were lonely and felt like nobody would want people like us. There was something comforting in knowing that we both knew what to felt like to be a pariah.”

Izaya frowns. “So we’re together because we were each other’s only options?”

_Speak carefully, you oaf._

Shizuo hums thoughtfully. “Being an outcast was my biggest insecurity, and you understood me. You gave me something I thought I could never have. Felt like I had been saved.”

“Ugh you two are cute. Makes me sick.” Tom interjects, standing up “I’ll be right back.”

“Oh, did we scare you away?” Izaya teases, half nervous that they had.

“Not at all. Just need a piss. Be right back.”

“You remember that morning when you texted me at like 5 AM because you wanted me to come over and fuck you?” Shizuo asks quietly in his ear.

Izaya tries not to blush. He nods.

“I remember.”

He wanted more than sex that night. He wanted to be kissed and touched and handled carefully. In those days they were a little less rough, but still a far cry from what they are now. In the beginning they didn’t even kiss, or get fully undressed. This particular night, Izaya had been sore from a pretty rough encounter the day before, and Shizuo had gone so gentle and slow, hitting his prostate with every push until Izaya was at his mercy.

He remembers being embarrassed as hell, because he wasn’t guarded. No theatrical porn star act, just him with his eyes shut, begging Shizuo not to stop.

Afterwards they had cuddled for the first time, and Izaya had woken up alone, feeling a little disappointed until he found a scribbled note on his table.

_Sorry to bounce before you got up. There’s someone we gotta collect from that hasn’t been in town for a month, and Tom told me we’d have to go get him this morning since he’s finally back._ _I dunno what fleas eat, but there are a couple eggs in the microwave. If you don’t want them, just toss em._

_See ya later, Louse._

Izaya uses the note as a bookmark. He likes to look at it every once in awhile when he’s reading his favorite book.

“That was our first encounter that felt completely genuine. We both let our guard down. That’s why we’re together. We were brave and let each other in.” Shizuo concludes.

Izaya is about to kiss him when Tom comes back.

The night goes smoothly after that.

Tom is easygoing, and the conversation is light. Izaya feels a soft buzz, combined with the good company and the food in his belly, his negative feelings fade as he considers his good luck.

It’s almost too good to be true.

They part ways after a few drinks, Tom giving them a friendly wave as he walks away.

Shizuo reaches for his hand as they walk home. It’s not something they usually do, but Izaya takes his hand anyways.

Izaya goes to bed with a smile on his face, covers tucked under his chin, Shizuo warm against his side.

When he wakes Shizuo isn’t there. He stretches and gets up groggily to check the living room for him. He needs water too.

“Shizuo?”

He hears nothing. The TV is on, playing a rerun of a talk show Kasuka guest starred in earlier than year.

He sees Shizuo now, his back to him as he sat on the couch. He must be dozing.

Izaya smiles at his sleepy boyfriend, and pads to the kitchen sink to get a glass of water. He prefers bottled to tap, but his throat is dry so he’ll make an exception.

“This is your fault. If you hadn’t led the life you had, I’d be okay.”

Izaya turns.

Shizuo isn’t sleeping. He’s bleeding, from where Izaya’s not sure. The world flips on its axis and dread builds so fast he feels sick.

This can’t be happening.

“Did Vorona do this?” He demands.

Shizuo gets up, limping towards him, shaking his head. His eyes are accusing. The wounds look familiar.

_Masaomi Kida ordered this hit._

It’s the reminder that he himself once paid for Shizuo to be shot that wakes him up. The dream blurs until he can’t decide what’s real; Shizuo’s justified anger and the blood dripping from his old wounds, or the Shizuo that gathers him up tight and holds him as he screams.

He should have known it was all too good to be true.

“Easy. Take a deep breath.”

Izaya fights him, he’s not even sure why. All he feels is blind terror. He’ll fight anyone to make it stop.

“I’m going to go and get your anti anxiety meds. Actually, I dunno if I should leave you.”

Izaya barely hears him.

“Okay. We’re gonna go together.” He drags Izaya to the bathroom, rifles for the bottle. Izaya kicks like he’ll die if he doesn’t.

“Okay.” Shizuo locates his meds, shakes one out. “I want you to take this.”

“No!”

“It’ll make your fear go away. Please baby?”

Maybe it’s the look in his eyes, or maybe it’s the ‘baby’. Pet names are rare for them.

“I don’t have water.” Izaya whines. He realizes he’s crying. “Why is this happening?”

Shizuo runs the faucet, gets a handful of water, and hands him the pill. Izaya drinks from his hand and takes his meds. Shizuo pulls him into his lap and holds him tight.

“You have PTSD. That’s why this is happening. The pill I had you take will help.”  
  


“Fuck!”

Shizuo holds him on the bathroom floor as he shakes, waits until his medication takes effect. Izaya slowly begins to calm down, and eventually all he feels is the tile underneath him, and Shizuo’s solid form.

“You’re okay, Flea. Nothing bad is happening right now.”

Izaya lets him carry him back to the bed, feeling exhausted, shaken, and a bit sedated.

“You’re okay. We are safe.”

Izaya inhales shakily, sniffles.

“Okay.” He eventually agrees.

He should have known the fun evening was too good to be true.

Shizuo rubs his back, holds him flush against him. Whispers encouragements into his sweaty hair. Izaya holds him so tight that he’s probably hurting him, hands fisted tight in his t shirt.

“You’re okay Izaya. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know how much Masaomi hates Izaya, but I think since he works for him in season two, he'd be willing to go back if he was truly desperate. I hope that doesn't feel terribly out of character XD I love the idea of him growing up and having a little family that changes his life. I might write a little of that is this, but I also might branch off into another fic, so we'll see what happens. 
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


	7. ready to shock into fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the feedback! I hope y'all like it, it's a bit angsty? Idk XD

Pain is sharp and humiliating. It makes you feel like you have no skin, like the world can shred you up without even trying. It makes you feel weak and unlovable. Pain is painful, what a redundant statement, but true nonetheless.

Something you can do with pain is make it into your weapon. Sharpen it into words that cut and share the pain with someone else, so that you aren’t the only weak one. Pain bleeds onto other people because it’s shareable; like Saika it gives birth.

This has been Izaya’s strategy for his entire life. He doesn’t mind hurting others. In his moments of rage he even enjoys it, the brief power he holds over someone else. He’s been accused of being cruel or even sadistic by a lot of people, and it’s never a lie.

But Shizuo isn’t like other people. He stays with Izaya and makes him things to eat, and holds Izaya so tight he feels like things make sense again. Izaya loves him more than anything, so he’s the one he hurts the most. It’s funny how that works isn’t it?

Izaya could have woken up, with Shizuo’s arms around him after his long terrible night, and let himself remain soft and vulnerable, but he didn’t. He snarls at him for holding him too tight, for having morning breath, for trying to get him to eat breakfast.

Watching the door slam after Shizuo gets tired of him is a sick sort of satisfaction.

_That teaches you for loving someone like me._

Shizuo likes to think he and Izaya have made a lot of progress, and admittedly they have. Izaya is sweet in a way Shizuo can’t explain, in the way he lets the character, the persona he’s crafted fall down when Shizuo has him underneath him. Sex has long been the way they connected from the very start, from the brutal alleyway encounters that started all of this to the nights that leave them both close to tears in the wake of the unexpected intimacy.

He just wishes Izaya would be himself when he was clothed too, when they weren’t stripped to their skin and in the dark of night.

Why couldn’t Izaya have said this morning that he was embarrassed for being afraid? That he was scared of how he felt? Shared a cup of coffee with Shizuo and admitted he didn’t know where to go from here? Why did the morning always bring snotty remarks?

Shizuo is sitting at a bench, trying not to crush the sides when a phone is shoved in his face.

“Oh! Hey, Celty. Sit with me.”

The dullahan does. Silences with Celty are usually comfortable but he knows she’ll ask what’s troubling him, and he’s not entirely certain he knows what he even feels.

“Trouble in paradise?” She types.

“You could say that.” Shizuo hums. He wants a cigarette really fucking badly.

Celty types for a long time. Shizuo imagines himself smoking, pulling one out of the pack, lighting it, inhaling…

“Do you think Izaya is good for you? Do you think you can really have a healthy relationship with him? I know you guys get along really well most of the time now, but is he really someone you should be with?”

He stares at her a long time. She starts to look comically panicked, typing once more, but he calmly stops her.

“It’s okay you asked that. I wonder that too. Don’t freak out.”

Celty nods.

“It’s more than just ‘getting along’. I love him, and I’m fairly certain he loves me. He’s different. He wants to get along with certain people, like Tom and his sisters. I don’t know if Izaya will ever be the ideal partner.” Cigarette. He wants one. Shizuo makes himself breathe.

“But I could say the same about myself. I want to give him a chance.”

Celty types again.

“You’ve got a lot more going for you ‘partner wise’ than Izaya does. Don’t settle because you don’t think you can do better.”

“I’m not settling!” Shizuo slams his fist on the bench, feels it crack, “I love him!”

Celty placates him.

“I feel like a part of you is. I mean even just last year you guys were trying to kill each other. Does that seem healthy to you? Is he still playing all the mind games with people?”

“It wasn’t healthy. And I don’t know. Can we talk about this another time?”

“Of course. I just want you to be happy. You’re a good guy.”

Shizuo considers Celty one of his closer friends. They sit until Tom and Vorona find him. He ends up working for a few hours before walking home. Izaya’s apartment is more home to him now than his own. He’s a little unsure of what mood he’ll find his boyfriend in.

“I’m back.” He says hesitantly in the entryway.

“Ah! Shizuo.” Izaya greets, “Do you mind coming back in like an hour?”

“Why?” Shizuo demands, bristling. When he gets into the living room he sees Shiki and several other shady people.

“I’m working. Just an hour. Two at most.” Izaya says calmly. He looks small, thin, tired. He’s not strong enough to deal with these types of people anymore, but here they are in the living room, acting like Izaya never took a break from his life of crime.

Unless he never actually took a break...

It makes the blood roar in Shizuo’s ears. He should have known.

“Actually, give me ten minutes to get my clothes, and you won’t have to worry about me interrupting ever again.”

Shizuo gets his clothes, his charger, and his shampoo, throws it haphazardly into the duffel he brings to the gym. He doesn’t plan on giving Izaya a single glance as he leaves, but Izaya speaks, and he looks by accident.

“Wait!” Izaya seems to get the gist, looking every bit as desperate as Shizuo feels. He follows him into the hallway. The energy between them is frayed like a electric cord that was torn up, ready to ignite, ready to shock into fire. It’s hot like it used to be, back in the days of confrontation before they loved each other.

“You can’t fuck with innocent people again, and still be my boyfriend!”

“I thought you knew I was still working? You can’t expect me to change something like that about myself!”

“Izaya, I need….” Space? Closeness? For you to be a different person? “Just fuck off.”

Izaya reaches for him. Shizuo smacks his hand away. He regrets it instantly. He hasn’t hit Izaya in a very long time, and the old fear resurfaces in Izaya’s eyes like it never left.

“Mr. Orihara?” calls Shiki, “we have important business to attend to.”

“Yes. I’m coming.” Izaya says, looking directly at Shizuo with hurt, anger and _fear_ shining in his burgundy gaze. He looks small, tired, breakable as spun glass. “I know we have a lot to work on.” Whether this statement is for Shiki or for Shizuo who knows.

“Izaya!” Shizuo starts.

The door shuts and Shizuo knows he could rip it off his hinges, could easily take all of Shiki’s men, but he knows that his anger won’t solve anything this time.

Not that it ever has.

He stands outside the apartment feeling the familiar out of body rage, but the caution in Izaya’s small body when he realized how mad Shizuo was makes him feel sick enough that he doesn’t fly off the handle

He doesn’t want to change Izaya. He’s a little off, a little sadistic, maybe that’s how it goes. But he doesn’t want Izaya to hurt people who don’t deserve it, doesn’t want his life to be so dangerous. If Izaya truly does want his sisters trust, he can’t live the way he used to.

Honestly if Izaya’s a full blown informant for the gangs of the city Shizuo’s not sure he wants a part of that at all.

Izaya was weak physically, and troubled mentally. He’s not capable of playing these kinds of games anymore. He’s going to get his stupid ass killed. And then what was Shizuo supposed to do without him?

Fighting back burning behind his eyes, Shizuo starts walking. He blindly grabs his phone, and hit the number 1 on his speed dial.

“Hey Kasuka. Can we get a beer tonight? Or food? Anything. Fuck.” He presses his hands hard to his closed eyelids, cursing when they come back wet. This was different than just anger, this was desperate. It’s more uncomfortable than anger ever was.

Maybe that’s what Izaya feels. Desperate and he doesn’t want to share it with Shizuo. Maybe he’s angry because it’s more comfortable.

Kasuka’s asking if he’s okay.

“No. Not really.”

“I can meet you at your place in twenty. Almost done for the day.” Kasuka says evenly. Shizuo can hear the worry underneath it.

“Better make it my place. Not mine and Izaya’s place.” Shizuo still rents his old shitty apartment but he stays there so infrequently that he and Izaya had been talking about him moving in to one of Izaya’s apartments. So much for that.

Too bad the fucking scummy underground of the city was currently setting up a base where he and Izaya ate and fucked together. Really nice flea, to share that nice space with people like that!

“Ok. I’ll be there. We can talk all you want.” Kusuka says softly before hanging up.

Shizuo really wants a cigarette. He wants to smoke it until the hurt and anger and guilt faded into his lungs like haze.

“Why is this so hard, if I love you this much?” He asks the empty street. His demand goes unanswered. Shouldering his bag, he starts walking to meet his brother.

There’s gotta be some sort of solution.

Kusuka is waiting outside by the time he gets there. Shizuo gave him a key a few years ago, but he doesn’t think his brother will use it unless there was an emergency.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Boy troubles?” Kasuka asks so straightfaced that Shizuo can’t help but laugh.

“I feel like I’m dating a monster.” Shizuo admits.

“Ah. I’m assuming you called me, because I literally _am_ dating a monster.”

“Ruri’s much more normal trust me.” Shizuo scoffs. “So? You want take out?”

He thinks of Izaya with those men. Small. Sick. Surrounded by danger. He wants to go back to make sure he’s okay.

“Do you want to order this too?” Kusuka asks.

“Yeah we both like those. Let’s get a double order.”

He just needs a fucking minute to think.


	8. are you alone? do you need someone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos! The title from this chapter comes from the Nicki Minaj song, Crying Game, which always gives me Shizaya vibes, although this chapter is a lot less sad than the song. Please enjoy!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Eating Disorders. Izaya is described as thin with unhealthy/sparse eating habits, but not specifically written as having an eating disorder.

Shizuo sees Kasuka less often these days because of both of their schedules. He's still made up from the photo shoot he just came from, and to an untrained eye perfectly calm, but Shizuo can tell his brother is both exhausted and starving. They both dig into their takeout with gusto.

Shizuo has just finished explaining Izaya's shadiness when the younger hits him with a grenade.

“So basically you want him to completely change who he is?” Kasuka mumbles through a mouthful of noodles.

“What? No!” Shizuo suddenly doesn’t want his own food.

“You want him to not be shady, sneaky and shitty, when those are dominant traits of his. You should set boundaries, like maybe he shouldn’t do things that will very likely get him killed, or he shouldn’t involve kids. But you still fight and throw park benches, even though you’re happier now. Why can’t Izaya be himself too?” Kusuka sounds almost passionate by his standards, and mildly interested for a 'regular' person.

Shizuo swallows his food, considering his brother’s words carefully.

“I hadn’t thought of it that way. I just want him to be a good person.”

“You gotta accept Izaya for who he is. Besides if he’s working for those kinds of people I seriously doubt he actually _could_ leave.” Kusuka points out evenly. Shizuo’s blood runs cold.

“I didn’t think of that either.” The idea of Izaya, trapped in service to the shitty gangs of the city made him sick. Izaya couldn’t have done it, it’s true, not even before his health took such a serious turn for the worse. He made a deal with the devil and maybe he couldn’t simply tell Shiki to fuck off.

The unspoken truth was that maybe he didn’t even want to. He was sick. He was wrong, but was it right for Shizuo to want to fix him? Maybe it wasn’t something he needed to fix. Maybe he couldn’t.

“I should check on him.” Shizuo says softly.

“If they were going to kill him, they’d call you.” Kusuka assures him calmly.

“Why would they do that? They don’t care about me.”

“They care about Izaya. And Izaya loves you. He just doesn’t know how to say it. Izaya’s never cared about anyone. He’s never needed anyone. In a lot of ways, your new relationship is something he never even dreamed of. He has no idea how to act. It’s like those animal rescue shows right? Where they rescue dogs, and the dog is emaciated and they still give him just a little food to start with so they don’t make themselves sick. Izaya doesn’t know how to love someone, but here he is, and he does. You can tell."

"Can't believe you're comparing my boyfriend to a starving dog." Is all Shizuo can say.

When Shizuo sees Kasuka out and bids him a good night, grateful just isn't big enough a word for the feeling he has for his brother.

He wants Izaya to have this with his sisters. All of them deserve it.

His phone buzzes.

“Hello?” he answers cautiously.

“Hey.” Izaya’s voice is small, tremulous, “can we talk?”

“We are talking stupid.” Shizuo grumbles. He scuffs at the edge of the carpet with his shoe.

“Ah. Still angry. Care to let me explain?”

“Are you going to lie?”

“Probably.” Izaya huffs lightly. His voice is charming, meaning of his words aside.

“Look… I’m always going to be physically strong. I’m always quick to anger. If fucking with people makes you happy then fine, I just don’t want to know about it.” Shizuo is again hit hard with the urge to smoke.

“You don’t mean that.” Izaya points out carefully, “It does bother you, and you know it.”

“Yeah. It does.” Shizuo feels like the whole relationship has come to this moment, like an infection to a head. It was always inevitable, that they'd discuss this, and he feels positively sick.

He can't lose Izaya.

“I don’t know what to say. I…. “ Izaya’s voice cracks a little, “I don’t recognize myself right now. I don’t feel like me. I haven’t for awhile. I don’t know if I should cut ties, I don’t know if I should say I want to be a different person. I don’t know if I can fix anything. I don’t know if I even deserve to try.”

Shizuo feels a rush of compassion. It’s warm and heavy like the blood in his body, but it pulls off into Izaya’s general direction like a breeze searching for purpose.

“If you want, I can be there. I can be there as you figure it out. I’ll try to be patient. I’ll let you explain things to me until I understand. Do you… do you need space? Are you….”

Are you alone? Do you need me, do you need to talk?

“Wow.” Izaya breathes. It sounds like tired wonder, “you really do love me, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Shizuo laughs, “I really do. Have you eaten?”

“No. Haven’t felt like it.”

Typical Izaya and his shit self care.

“Oh… I see.”

“If you wanna hang out though, feel free to stop by.”

Happiness bubbles up suddenly in his chest, effervescent like bubbles and sweet like marshmallow fluff.

“Cool. I’ll be by.”

“Oh! Sounds good.”

Shizuo walks home. When he gets there the door is unlocked.

“Izaya?!”

“Yeah?” he calls from inside.

“What’s going on? Where are you?” He runs to the bedroom, but he isn’t there.

“Nothing? I’m in the bathroom. You can come in.”

Izaya looks perplexed. He’s in the tub, feet propped up.

Shizuo snorts angrily. “you left the door unlocked stupid! You’re naked and you have a lot of enemies and the door was unlocked.”

“That’s... you must be messing with me! I’d never be so careless.” Izaya narrows his eyes at Shizuo like he is about to accuse him of pranking him.

Shizuo pulls him out of the tub right then and there. He squawks indignantly as Shizuo bundles him in a towel and sits with him on the floor in his lap. He’s mostly all angles, boney feet, faintly yellow finger shaped bruises on his hips faded from several days ago, sharp chin bumping under Shizuo’s own.

He’s thin, always has been, but he’s got a little padding around his bottom now and his abs aren’t as flat as they were in the old days. When they were simply hate fucking he lacked any extra meat at all, Shizuo wants to see him weigh what someone at 5 foot 9 ought to weigh, but it doesn’t seem likely with the lack of care his boyfriend shows himself.

He’ll damn well try though.

“We,” He nuzzles under Izaya’s ear just to feel his resulting shudder, “are going to order takeout and you are going to eat at least a little. And you are going to take you meds with a full bottle of water, because you are most likely dehydrated, and then I am going to fuck you very slow and very hard until you forget everything that’s troubling you.”

Izaya pets at Shizuo’s hair where it meets his shirt collar in the back, clumsy and affectionate. It’s a yes without being outright agreeable.

“C’mon. Let’s do it.” Shizuo hauls him up, and then steals the towel. Izaya chases after him, spitting insults that aren’t actually that mean.

There’s a lot under the surface; the twins upcoming meet, the elephant in the room that was Vorona and Shizuo still being friends, Izaya's inner conflict... All of it was chaos just ready to bring to a quick boil.

The fact that Izaya didn’t care to lock the door, lets Shizuo know that Izaya doesn’t care what happens to him. He’s indifferent on his survival, and that means that Shizuo has to keep an eye on him.

So many things were up in the air, but when Izaya climbs onto his lap at last and he pushes in and bottoms out, he hears Izaya say something so quietly that he feels it against his skin more than he hears it. 

“I love you too.”

Shizuo cups his head into his hands and kisses him with meaning. He knows this may not end well. He knows there will be dark days to come. But they are here in this moment, quite literally connected, and that was plenty for now. He pulls back from the kiss, letting it linger, stroking at the damp hair around Izaya's ears

“I know.”


	9. confronting shizuo's past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More drama ahead!

Izaya sits on the bleachers, watching his sisters spar at their latest martial arts meet. They are so much stronger and fiercer than he expected them to be. He can feel emotion in his chest, the same one he felt the last day Shizuo smoked. 

He feels proud of them, which feels both foreign and amazing and despite the fact that their instructors don't trust him, he manages to have to good time.

“Big brother, did you see that?” Mairu shouts enthusiastically when the event is over. Even Kururi looks excited. He fights the urge to grin, but ends up doing so anyways.

“Yes. I’ve been watching this whole time.” Izaya assures her. She looks expectant, so he lets loose the words he’s always wanted to hear from a guardian.

“You did well, I’m very proud of you guys.”

Mairu’s lip actually trembles. They both fly at them. Their hair is soft as he tentatively pats their heads. He never knew they’d react that way to praise. He didn’t realize his words would be so profound. He probably needs to say stuff of that nature more often.

They’ve been neglected emotionally like he has. He didn’t know this until now. They needed more than the allowance he gave them and his old indifference.

He wants them to have what they needed, otherwise they’d turn out just like him.This was actually a fear of his. It wasn't easy being him, after all.

“Let’s get some lunch once you’re changed.” He suggests. 

“Okay!” they say in unison. He takes them out, and they both talk to him about their days, their feelings, their hopes and dreams. Their trust feels sacred.

It’s more than he ever hoped for, more than he ever deserved. They eat like horses and talk quickly. 

"Would you say this kind of food is your favorite?" Izaya asks them. He feels a little strange that this isn't something he already knows.

"Hmm... probably. What's yours?"

Taken aback by the question, Izaya answers. "Fatty tuna, but I don't like fish with eyes. And I don't like sweets. I like bitter food more"

"Figures." Mairu says.

"Now what does that mean?" Izaya teases.

Kururi and Mairu interview him. What are his favorite colors? What did he want to be when he was younger? Dogs or cats?

"Cats. Obviously." Dogs made him nervous, but he doesn't advertise it

Eventually he’s walking them back home. He used to not insist upon accompanying them, but they seem more valuable now than they have before.

"Thanks Izaya. Hey you wanna come to the next one?" Mairu asks. They both look hopeful.

“Of course. Take care, you two.” Izaya can feel himself smiling. 

It’s this that gives him the strength for the night he has planned. He waits until the sun sets, than a few hours more just to be safe.

He needs to do this and he needs to do this alone.

Once Shizuo starts snoring loudly he knows he’s deeply asleep. He sleeps much heavier than Izaya, so Izaya slipping out of their bed doesn’t alarm or rouse him. Izaya can’t look at him, because it’s far past midnight and he really shouldn’t be out and about on the streets.

The walk isn’t long, just to the bad part of the city. The flashing lights outside let him know he’s reached his destination. He’s scared. Shizuo would have never let him do this alone, so naturally he needed to sneak out.

The club was quiet this time of night. He has to search for his target, and ends up watching the people there for several hours, until he can make his move. It’s way past three AM, closer to four than he feels comfortable with. Someone told Izaya once that nobody good stays out past a certain part of the night, and it’s very true. He knows he probably should have told Shizuo he was coming here, but he knew if he had, that he would have fussed.

He needs to do this alone.

It’s a strip bar, full of beautiful women, and they were all winding down for the night, except for one that wasn’t actually there to dance. If you had watched her carefully all night, and boy Izaya had, you’d see that there was no joy in her dance, and that she hadn’t been dancing that long.

Izaya probably would have known something was up, even if he hadn’t known it was her.

“So? You asked for a private dance.” She says behind the curtain. He never gave a name when he requested her, and he’s not dressed like he usually is, so he hopes he at least has the element of surprise in his favor.

His palms are wet, his bad leg shakes.

“Not going to come in and flatter me?”

Izaya needs to do this. For Shizuo. He wants a future with him. This is just something he has to get out of the way.

  
”Хорошо. я буду льстить тебе, ты один из немногих людей, которых я когда-либо по-настоящему боялся.”

_“Ok. Ill flatter you, You're one of the only people I've ever truly been afraid of.”_

She stalls. Her dress is silver, barely to the tops of her thighs, breasts hardly covered. She's beautiful, he can admit that through the sharp fear in his body.

He wonders where her weapons are, or maybe she was going to kill him with just her bare hands.

Vorona doesn’t seem surprised to see him. She sighs a little, just barely enough to flare her nostrils.

“You’re alive. I was really hoping you were my next target.”

Izaya hums thoughtfully, so that was why she was undercover “nope just your previous one. Don’t you think stabbing someone in a private booth will get you noticed?”

“Not going to stab. And you don’t need to know who.”

“Don’t you get tired of killing people in cold blood?” He sneers. Vorona gives him a blank look.

“No. Is not cold. It make my blood run hot.”

“That’s sick.” Izaya keeps wondering what kind of person she's waiting to kill. The club they were in was a seedy one, and she didn't seem the type to calculate like this, wearing almost nothing in order to kill someone sketchy. 

“Yes.” She agrees, referring to his sick comment “But what can be done? Hey, let me see.”

Izaya obliges her, lifts his shirt. She does not touch the scar on his back, but she just barely ghosts over it. He has to train himself not to shudder at her near touch.

“How did you survive?” is all she asks.

“I’m not sure to be completely honest,” Izaya admits, “but sometimes I wish you had killed me. I’m in pain every single time I breathe. It wakes me up at night, If you hadn’t missed…”

“Do you want me to try again?” Vorona offers, blandly “because I didn’t get such a good shot last time. Not close enough to spine.”

“No thank you. Perhaps what I should have said is that I wish you hadn’t stabbed me. But you were protecting Shizuo. I can’t exactly be mad about that.”

“So? That’s why you here? To tell me to back off from him?”

“I know that at one point you were interested in him,” Izaya swallows nervously, “but I don’t want you to make a move.”

His fear of her stealing him was more pronounced than his fear of her blade leaving another mark. It took him quite a long time to realize that this was the case, but he knew now that he had to be brave to protect what he and Shizuo had built.

“I don’t want him that way.” Vorona shrugs, “I did, but not if he’s yours.”

Izaya laughs, “really? So just like that we’re friends?” He truly doubts this.

“Isn’t that why you came here? You love him yes? And you want to make peace with his friends, yes? Is very simple. I’ve never had a survivor before, so my apologies. I won’t fail if there’s a next time.”

“You giving me a shovel talk?” Izaya asks curiously.

“What is this… shovel talk?” Vorona blinks. She really is pretty, and despite her book learning a little naïve.

“It’s you telling me that if I break his heart, you’ll kill me or kick my ass.”

“Oh! Well then, this is shovel talk. I like my strong Shizuo. He should have someone who makes him even stronger.”

“Well, then I will do my best. Dress suits you by the way.” He sneers. She almost laughs.

“Do you wish to borrow it?”

“Maybe another time. I really must be on my way.”

Vorona hums and he turns to leave.

“Izaya? He’s very happy to be yours.”

Izaya nods, not really knowing how to respond to this, and makes his way out of the club. He’s almost home when his phone buzzes in his pocket.

“Yes, my love?”

“Where the fuck are you??”

Ah, maybe he should have told the brute he was stepping out. He isn’t sure whether or not to answer honestly, but as the theme is strengthening his relationship maybe honesty would be best.

“I went to the club Vorona’s undercover at and tried to fix things between us.”

There’s a long pause.

“You both okay? No casualties?”

“No. I think we’re okay with each other now.” He hopes so at least. 

“I wish you had told me. I would have come with you.”

“I handled her plenty fine without you.” Izaya argues. Shizuo sighs.

“I know. Where are you now, what street? I’ll meet you.”

“I’m near Sunshine.”

“Okay. keep walking and I’ll catch up.”

Izaya is a little touched. He’s a grown ass man used to roaming the streets at night, but he still feels happy that Shizuo wants to keep him safe.

“Sounds good.” Izaya agrees. When Shizuo finds him, he’s so sore from all the walking that he barely can lift his hand to greet his boyfriend.

“Overdid it I see?” Shizuo teases. There’s still worry in his eyes. He seems to make a decision in a split second, and lifts him up to carry him.

“Hey what the fuck?” Izaya kicks.

“Stop squirming. Just accept it” Shizuo scolds. Eventually Izaya slumps against him. He really is quite spent, and Shizuo clearly knows it.

“Let’s go to my place. It’s closer.” He suggests before speaking again. “Thank you for making it right. Did she apologize?” Shizuo asks.

“Course not. But she promised not to make a move on you.”

“Make a move?”

“Yeah. But I know you guys were never like that.”

They make it to the apartment, shutting the door behind them. Izaya is set down.

Shizuo sighs heavily. The moment grows from comfortable to filled with tension in about ten seconds.

“You slept with her before we were official, didn’t you.” Izaya says matter of factly. He’s always suspected this. Really it shouldn’t bother him, but he’s always sort of wondered. He feels his heart in his chest anyways, revulsion and pain building in his body. He wants Shizuo to tell him it's not true, but he knows it is.

Shizuo sighs again, “Yes, for awhile, and it wasn’t bad. But she and I are not compatible, and we decided not to anymore.”

Izaya can give him credit for honesty at least. He nods, throat tight. He doesn’t want to cry.

“Hey. Come here.” Shizuo coaxes.

Just like that Izaya is being embraced.

“You’re important to me. I love you. I’m happy with what we have, and I don’t want anyone else.”

Izaya nods again. He knows he’s about to cry which is totally stupid, because at the time Shizuo and Vorona were fucking, he and Shizuo weren’t official and still hated each other. He really shouldn't be angry.

“Flea…”

“It’s okay,” Izaya says eventually, “but you’ll have to make it up to me.”

They both know that Izaya had other partners at the time as well, people he had already taunted Shizuo about. He shouldn’t be asking for comfort when he did the same as well, but it felt different because Vorona was still in both their lives.

“Sure.” Shizuo lifts him bodily again. His kiss is passionate. He hasn’t handled him this roughly in months. Izaya feels the familiar hot energy that has always driven them.

“So I wanna see how long I can fuck you standing up and supporting your weight. Does that work for the purpose of ‘making it up to you’”

“Yes, that would be sufficient, provided you don’t drop me” Izaya chokes out.

Shizuo kisses him again, but gentles it more.

“I don’t ever plan on letting you down.”

Something in the back of Izaya's brain lets him know that he isn't okay with this. Why the hell wouldn't Shizuo tell him something like that? It feels a little like betrayal. Or a lot... He just needs the reassurance of Shizuo's touch more than he needs to be angry. He needs him to prove he's the one he truly desires.

"You'd better not." Is all he says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What makes you guys think this topic will come up again? I think Izaya is more upset about this development than he thinks... XD


	10. i want you to want me, i need you to need me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel a little guilty for adding that bomb last chapter, since I forgot to tag it originally and I know ShizuoxVorona isn't a well liked pairing. I just saw a real opportunity to develop these boys, by making Izaya insecure, but rest assured there will be no infedelity.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy. This chapter is longer than the others :)

Shizuo is still holding him against the door, their hands all over each other. Shizuo’s so hard he’s pretty sure he’s doing to die, and almost loses it when Izaya bites his neck.

Izaya bites him all the time, and he loves it, but when the bite becomes hard even by Izaya’s standards, Shizuo pulls away.

“What the fuck?”

“You really think you can screw the girl who almost killed me, not tell me, and then fuck me?” Izaya snarls, “put me down asshole.”

“You asked me to make it up to you!” Quite specifically, actually.

“Maybe, but not with sex!” Izaya laughs aggressively. Shizuo tries not to roll his eyes but fails, and has to force himself to set him down gently. Izaya was breakable, had chronic pain, and that mattered even when he was being a dick.

He should have known Izaya would think about it more and get pissed. Figures.

“It was literally like a year ago. We did it three times, tops. It was awkward and neither of us wanted to pursue it.” Shizuo grinds out, “It doesn’t matter!”

Izaya, pouts. Actually pouts. “I don’t care if it was awkward. I care that you never told me!”

“You think something like that would be easy to tell you?” Shizuo near shouts, “she’s practically your mortal enemy, you really think I’d tell you I slept with her if I didn’t need to?”

“Yes. You should have.” Izaya feels overly tired, strung out with the lingering stress of confronting the Crow, and exhausted with the physical effort of walking so far. He feels unsteady in more than one way.

Shizuo notices, and offers his hand.

“I can get to bed fine by myself, fuck off.” Izaya sounds spoiled and jaded even to himself. His knees very nearly buckle as he gets in bed. Shizuo gives him a pitying look.

“Yeah. I probably should have told you, but I was fucking scared. You’re right to be pissed. But you know the main reason it was awkward sleeping with her?”

Izaya giggles unpleasantly, “because she’s a cold fish?”

Shizuo takes a pillow off their bed and hits him with it.

“Oof!” says Izaya. Shizuo sits down cross legged on the bed. He pulls off Izaya's shoes, and socks and starts kneeding the sore places.

“Sucking up I see?” Izaya taunts, but doesn’t pull away.

“It’s was awkward,” he continues, “because she and I were both really…. We had no idea what we were doing.”

“Ick, don’t tell me you were her first?” Izaya wriggles his toes to get Shizuo to work harder.

“I… don’t know? She never said? I was nice to her though. Maybe I should have asked.” Shizuo looks more than a little bothered by this revelation.

“It’s okay,” Izaya volunteers, trying to soothe him despite his anger, “you’re not rough unless you want to be.” He knows this because sometimes Shizuo is so gentle with him that he feels like sobbing, and other times he fucks him so hard, Izaya feels like he’ll break.

Either way, it was nice.

“At that point I hadn’t gotten a lot of you know, experience. I had one kiss in high school, mainly because someone bet her she wouldn’t kiss me since I was so ‘scary’, and then you, and briefly Vorona which was honestly kind of terrible, and then…”

Izaya’s world comes to a full stop. “I was your first??” Shizuo just looks at him like he’s crazy.

“Haven’t I told you that before?”

Izaya had no idea that their aggressive tousles were Shizuo’s first introduction into sex. It makes him feel a little sick, because as kind as Shizuo was, he didn’t deserve to start his sex life with violence. He isn’t sure how to voice this.

“So…. bit of a late bloomer? Doesn’t that seem weird to you?” Izaya teases instead. Shizuo says nothing, but looks contemplative.

“I never wanted to be attracted to men, and the first man I slept with happened spur of the moment, and was with someone I had always really hated. I was so confused.” Shizuo admits. “I wanted to prove to myself that I could be with a woman, have something a little healthier. I never knew you and I could make this work, and have it be something that was real and healthy and rewarding. I figured I would just get screwed over screwing you. I wanted to see if I could go another way.”

Izaya nods, feeling like it made more sense now.

“Vorona was there. She was a coworker you didn’t mind being around, she got along with your friends. And there was me threatening to cut you up in between make out sessions. You wanted normalcy.” Izaya sums up.

“I did. But I’m much happier now with you.” Shizuo says earnestly. He isn’t rubbing Izaya’s feet anymore, but he holds onto them with a loose grip, his hands so big and warm that Izaya wants them all over him. He lets him continue talking instead.

“ We weren’t compatible at all. She liked killing people, I hated violence, She likes books I like TV. We were totally awkward when we hooked up. And you and I? We had so much chemistry. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to shake what I felt for you so I told her I needed to see where you and I went, and she understood. I felt really bad because she’s actually a decent person. She just likes killing people.” He finishes lamely.

“So just a murderess bitch then.”

Shizuo looks at him a way that is both tired and disapproving.

“Be nice, Izaya. She’s a friend.”

There’s a somewhat awkward silence, only softened by Shizuo’s hands resuming their work on his feet.

“I feel like it’s not fair.” Izaya grumbles, “that you had us both at the same time.”

“You’ve had other partners. Did you have relationships with them? Also damn your toes are cold” Shizuo points out.

“Nothing serious. And poor circulation, not everyone can run hot like you do.” Izaya points out. “I just think you can do better than me, don’t you?”

“What are you talking about?” Shizup asks softly. Suddenly Izaya wants to bury his face in Shizuo’s comforter and hide.

“I’ve been thinking the same thing. That you could do better than _me_.” Shizuo sighs, “I’m not exactly a level headed man. I broke so much city property when we fought about your work the other day.”

Izaya pulls his feet away and immediately regrets it.

“Don’t bring that up. I’m still trying to figure that out.”

Shizuo nods, “fair enough. But you’re a good person. You’re working so fucking hard to make things better. I’m actually really, really God damn proud of you.”

Izaya breathes in shakily. Here, they were, the words that he almost never hears.

“You really think I’m the person you want?” Izaya asks eventually. He soaks in the reassurance, feeling his insecurities fade a bit, but still feeling incredibly small.

“ For me, Flea, there’s nobody else in this stupid city, or even this continent, nobody I’ve ever met, that is more suited for me than you. Izaya, I want to be with you until one of us dies.” Shizuo says earnestly.

Unable to hold back, the damn between Izaya’s eye’s breaks, his heart feeling full and like it’s shattering at the same time.

Shinra’s words echo in his head.

“ _He’s more human than anyone I know; he’s so fragile inside. If you pumped him full of love and betrayal and such, I think he’d fall apart._

“Please stay with me. I’ll do my best to be good for you.” Izaya says softly.

“You’re plenty good for me.” Shizuo soothes. He lies down with his face in the crook of Izaya’s neck. “I’m not going to go back to her. She's a friend, nothing more. And if it helps, I’ll be more upfront about fucking your nemesis, in the future.”

Izaya giggles. He knows that Shizuo won’t ever do something like that as long as they are involved.

He curls his tired body into the heat of his boyfriends body, reaching around the breadth of his shoulders to feel the strength of them, rubbing his back until Shizuo starts to snore.

“You’re it for me too.” Izaya admits softly. He follows him into sleep, ready to snooze now that he once more feels secure in what they have.

Shizuo gets up before he does, brushing his teeth when Izaya goes searching for him.

Izaya feels like he’s ready to take on his next step.

“So, uh… I’m meeting with Namie today. We need to figure some stuff out.”

Shizuo gives him a blank look, then seems to piece it together. Izaya’s going to ask Namie what she thinks of his new life, and try to see where they fit together now that he’s not sure he wants to be a total troll anymore.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Shizuo asks eventually.

“No. But thanks. I’ll text you if something happens.” Izaya promises.

Shizuo spits his foam, rinses. His kiss is minty.

“Be safe. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye.”

He texts Namie to meet him at his main apartment. She is fifteen minutes late to meet him. He’s not surprised in the slightest. He hasn’t given her much work since he began his metamorphosis, and she is almost solely motivated by yen.

“So? What’s this about? It’s been a long time since you’ve darkened my doorstep.” She jabs.

“Ouch! This is _my_ apartment you know. Unless your brain is too full of fantasies of your dear little brother to recognize where you are!”

He’s missed her a little. It’s fun to talk to someone who’s just as twisted as he was.

“Can it,” she sighs impatiently, “what the hell do you want?”

“I want to cut ties. With the kind of work we do.” Izaya says bluntly. Sometimes he’s not entirely sure that this is what he wants, but it’s what he wants most of the time.

“Are you serious? Is that even possible?” Namie sits on the arm of his couch, and looks at him like he’s crazy. “Do you really think someone as critical as you to the underground can just up and leave? They will _kill_ you, you idiot, surely you realize that!”

“I was hoping we could figure something out. Like a way to blackmail them, or plastic surgery…” He begins. She waves him off.

“You’re on your own, I’m not sticking my neck out for someone like you.” Namie says bluntly.

Ouch.

“Have you ever?” He demands.

“Every time I work for someone like you there’s a risk.” She informs him.

Well, that is true, he thinks.

“Fair enough.” Izaya agrees. There appears to me no way to reason with her. He gestures for them to leave. Namie looks almost contemplative for a minute.

“Your clients aren’t happy with you. They feel like you’ve let them down, and there’s no telling what they’ll do. Watch your back.”

“I didn’t realize you cared. So sweet.” He teases as they lock the door behind them. She rolls her eyes harder than one would think possible.

“Good bye.” She snarls.

“Bye.”

“Thank you.” He calls after her. He means it too.

She says nothing. He wonders if he’ll ever see her again.

_Watch your back._

He wasn’t unaware of his client’s anger, but the warning was still unpleasant. Taking on less jobs, being less capable, being so different than he was before… there was no doubt in his mind that he was in for a fight if he wanted out.

With the way he now physically and mentally, he might not survive getting out of his previous life.

He sits down, once she's gone, turning on his TV, to distract himself. The news in on.

"Now, for breaking news. Local prominent member of the Awakusa, Shiki Haruya was found dead in a men's club in downtown Ikebukoro. Foul play is suspected."

Izaya feels his guts twist. Why would she do this? What was her motive?

With Shiki out of his way, it would complicate his departure.

It might also, if he played his cards right make it easier to leave. There's no way, she did this to help him. Right?

Right??

He pulls out his phone. He doesn’t want to bother Shizuo with this, not yet, but he isn’t sure who else he could call. The twins were definitely not the people to go to for this, because this would scare them.

He dials and it rings and rings, until eventually he picks up.

“Hey… I know we aren’t… you know, but I really need you now, Shinra.”


	11. strawberry untwisting and twisting again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No lie, I'm kinda surprised by how many kudos this is gettingXD thank you <3 feel free to drop comments too, if the mood inspires you. I'm anxious for feedback. Hope you guys enjoy :)

“So! What brings you to my neck of the woods?” Shinra says brightly. His eyes are narrow and suspicious, clashing with his optimistic tone. He had listened halfheartedly to Izaya’s previous phoned explanation, but was still aware of the situation. The question was there to point out how long it had been since he and Celty had last allowed Izaya in their apartment.

“I had no choice. I have very few friends you know.” Izaya jokes. They haven’t been friends in a long time, not really, but he’ll happily evoke the obligation that comes with that relationship, if it will save his skin.

“You have Shizuo!” Shinra points out helpfully “Man, were Celty and I surprised when we heard about that!” Celty had been disgusted, actually, accusing Izaya of every crime on the planet to explain Shizuo crawling into his bed. Shinra had told Izaya that he hoped it ended better than he knew it would. It was a bit more diplomatic than the shaking hand holding the phone in his face had been.

Izaya laughs lightly, choosing not to voice all of this. He needs to play it nice here. “Yes I would say everyone was surprised about that one.”

Shinra looks at him dead on, eyes clear and grey.

Why are you here? Is what they say.

“I’m trying to start over.” Izaya offers, “and I’m not sure I can get out. With Shiki gone, members of the Awakusa might start to panic and leave. There will be upheavals, desperate struggles for power. Maybe I can use that to get out during that time.” He leaves out the part of Vorona aiding him in his endeavor. He still isn’t sure about that.

“Wow.” Shinra laughs. “Part of me thinks this is just another scheme of yours. Are you sure this is what you want? If you’re being honest I mean. This has always been the type of life you've wanted.”

It’s the life he still wants to be honest. It gets him high, the suicide pacts, the power trips, the manipulations. Izaya knows that he himself is a sick piece of shit. He likes, no not likes, enjoys, being a sick piece of shit.

There’s so much power in what Izaya does. There’s even more money. Oh fuck, the money! He could live like this forever, until someone found him out and killed him in a fit of rage. What a way to go that would be! What a fucking rush!

Humans were so incredible! So fragile, despite their best efforts, they all only needed just a little push! They were all capable of pretty much anything, be it for a price, or just a planted idea!

Izaya loves humans!

Lately though all he can think about is the twins. What if one of them got horribly depressed? And some asshole, some sick piece of shit saw them posting online about wanting to die and instead of saying, ‘surely you have family that would be sad if you did that, here’s a number you can call,’ they preyed upon them instead?

People who attempt need help, and they don’t always receive it. Izaya knows that if he started acting super depressed, Shizuo would drag his ass to the professionals kicking and screaming if he knew Izaya was in danger of hurting himself. The fact that Izaya used to prey on the hopeless when he is now at times in their ranks makes him feel unsettled.

Heaven forbid the twins ever feel that way and didn’t get an immediate action. Maybe someone would try to talk them down. Maybe someone would call the cops, maybe someone would go over there and take them to a hospital.

Maybe someone like him would arrange a kidnapping and dangle them off a rooftop and mock them with their feelings. The mere thought of it makes him sick.

Izaya doesn’t mind messing with people if it’s for fun. He doesn’t mind it if it’s not personal, but it was all starting to feel rather personal.

Where was the line?

Izaya’s conscience was still pretty fast and free. He’s not a nice person, but he suspects his world view is changing into something a little less sinister, something closer to benign and decent than he’s ever really felt comfortable with. He’s not sure Shizuo is aware of how much of his old life he’s hung onto, and would prefer to keep it that way.

He just isn’t sure about what he wants, but he can feel himself shifting.

The little voice that tells him he only loves humans in general dulls impressively in comparison to the silk of Kururi’s head when he pats her hair, to the greedy impatient tug of Mairu’s hand when she’s tugging him to a shop to ask him to buy them something.

The weight of the urge to maim with his information and power was still there, with its entire burden. Now it weighs less compared to the dip of the bed when Shizuo crawls next to him, pulls him near him and puts his lips to Izaya’s skin.

The love for strangers is less intense, and he’s not sure how he feels. Change is inevitable sure, but it was always uncomfortable. Lately Izaya’s come to the conclusion that Shizuo has turned him soft, given life to the parts of him that were frozen, thawed his frostbite, untwisted the things that were shriveled up inside him, and Izaya’s worried he doesn’t do the same for him. What does Shizuo get out of their relationship, anyways?

“Do you think I’m good for Shizuo?” He counters instead. To his delight Shinra doesn’t give much pause at the subject change. His answer chases the pleasantry away like a swig of something sour.

“You two are a bit onesided.” Shinra says swiftly, delighted to deliver the blow “sometimes, I think he’s so busy helping you with your problems, that he doesn’t have much time for his own. He still breaks a lot of property, especially on days where your mood is really off. I think it’s hard for him to support you emotionally when he has issues of his own. But…” Shinra pauses, “he’s not smoking. He’s kept the same job for several months. He hasn’t been arrested in over a year, and he is damaging less property. Just make sure to talk to your therapist too! You can’t expect him to make everything feel better. Wanting him to be supportive is one thing, putting your happiness on him as his responsibility is another.”

Izaya laughs. He feels bitter, but he knows Shinra’s advice is sound and that there is some well-intended meaning to it. He knows he needs to support Shizuo as well. Sometimes his illness makes it hard but he needs Shizuo to get what he needs out of this too. It just burns in his chest to hear Shinra announce it so bluntly

“Why wouldn’t the brute just tell me this himself, if he’s so unhappy?”

Shinra rolls his eyes, shakes his head. Celty appears, and holds out her phone.

‘He isn’t unhappy. He just might need support from us so he can give you what you need. It’s not easy for him, but he does love you. You can see it when he speaks of you.”

Izaya hums, nods in agreement, “yes I would say that was true.”

There’s a knock at the door.

“Ah! Yes! They did say they were coming.” Shinra flings open the door, like he’s delighted by who has arrived, but knowing him, he’s just excited by the money he’s about to make.

“Mikado’s stitches pulled…” comes a soft female voice. Izaya’s blood runs cold, feet wanting to run.

“Yes, of course Anri! Let’s get that fixed. You know you really ought to consider not living this sort of life. Like Izaya here! He’s on the good side of the law now!” Shinra babbles. Mikado and Anri fix him with looks like daggers.

So thoughtful, Shinra old buddy to point me out!

Mikado looks thoughtful, for a minute. He’s still tall, skinny even as a young adult. There’s still that soft-spoken lilt that has a little trace of venom.

“I really was hoping I’d never see you again.” He says earnestly. Izaya laughs softly.

“I get that a lot. Luckily for you, I’m on my way out.” Izaya knows what he’s done to Mikado, and to Anri. He has to name the emotion in my chest because he’s not accustomed to feeling it.

Guilt. Izaya feels guilty.

Anri’s eyes glow red for a second as he passes her. He catches Saika before it slices him, she looks stunned as his hand touches the blade, her face open in shock.

“Almost got me under your control! Can’t have that!” Izaya makes a tsk tsk sound, buries his hands in the pockets of his lined jacket to hide their tremors. He exits the apartment, leaning silently and briefly against the door to catch his hitching breath.

“Anri, what was that all about?” Izaya hears Mikado ask through the closed door.

“What Saika touched him… even though she didn’t cut him. I felt his emotions for a second.”

Izaya listens.

“He's… he’s in so much pain! Like emotional pain. I wasn’t expecting that!”

Having heard enough, Izaya makes his exit. The walk home does nothing to clear his mind.

_“Do you really think someone as critical as you to the underground can just up and leave? They will kill you, you idiot, surely you realize that!”_

_“You two are a bit one-sided. Sometimes, I think he’s so busy helping you with your problems, that he doesn’t have much time for his own”_

_“Mr. Orihara, this is a genetic disorder that you will have all your life. You will likely be medicated lifelong.”_

_“He’s in so much pain.”_

Izaya can feel his heart in his throat.

“Hey! How’d it go with Namie?” Shizuo says suddenly. Izaya blinks. He barely remembers the walk and now he’s in the living room.

“Saw Shinra instead.” Izaya says.

“Shinra? But you two hate each other, don’t you?” Shizuo asks. He looks confused.

“Yes. But Shiki is dead, Vorona was trying to help and now I have to get out while I can, and Anri tried to slash me…”

Shizuo holds out his arms. He pulls Izaya in, his warm hands on his shoulders. He looks like every bit of family Izaya’s always wanted.

“You aren’t making any sense. Tired?” His little almost smile makes Izaya happy even through whatever the hell he’s feeling right now.

“Yeah. I should sleep. You know me,I don’t sleep well.” Izaya admits, glad for the excuse. He wants this conversation to be over. Shizuo kisses him on the corner of his mouth. He smells like strawberry milk, lips soft like cotton, plush and a bit dry. He’s everything good, fragrant, warm and sweet.

“I’m going to watch Kasuka’s new show. But I’ll join you in bed after. Get some sleep flea. I’ll be right up.”

Izaya nods and turns upstairs.

“Oh!” Shizuo adds suddenly, “I think you’re out of your meds, do you want me to refill them? I’m getting more groceries tomorrow.”

_“You will likely be medicated lifelong.”_

No. He doesn’t want to be. He survived this long without them and he doesn’t want to need anyone or anything anymore

He doesn’t want to be one-sided. He can handle the pain by himself. He doesn’t want to decide what to do with his life. Can’t he have more time?

“No, but thank you. I will refill it in the morning. Night.”

“Night.” Shizuo says with a yawn. When Izaya gets in bed alone he forces his eyes closed, intent on sleeping.

It doesn’t work.

_“He’s in so much pain. I wasn’t expecting it.”_

_I’ll show you pain_ , Izaya thinks. _Come at me with the demon blade again and see what happens._

Some of the material inside of him Shizuo has untwisted curls back into himself.

Perhaps it’s just his nature. But Izaya doesn’t want to play nice anymore, not at the moment. His phone is on the nightstand, tempting him like a flame to his moth.

With the Dollars disbanded, who knows what the boy is up to. Maybe he's doing something for his best friend and his growing child? Maybe something more sinister. Izaya's blood runs hot with excitement. His phone is suddenly in his hand, ready to search.

“Let’s see what corner of the underworld you’re playing around in these days, Mikado Ryugamine!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frequently people in treatment for mental illnesses take themselves off their meds and have a really bad time of it. Including this for realism. Also I'm hoping Shinra's message makes sense? I've learned both as someone with a mental illness, and someone who has mentally ill friends, that you can't expect people to fix you. you can get support and give support, but you can't be in charge of someone's happiness, it's just too much.
> 
> Don't forget to comment and kudo if you like this so far <3


	12. two for one, thanks brain!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and comments I appreciate you all <3 There are some Mikado related SPOILERS for the end of the series in this so if you haven't finished either the anime, or the novels, heads up. This chapter kinda goes into what it's like for Shizuo with Izaya off his meds. It's hard to have a mental illness, BUT it's hard to love someone who has one too. Our poor boys :(
> 
> Enjoy :)

Shizuo likes the crack of something shattering. He likes the crunch of something thrown and the release he gets when he finally gets mad enough to pick up a vending machine and hurl it. Which these days are quite often.

Who the hell is he kidding? It has _always_ been like that. Lately though, it has been worse. It only feels good until the shame kicks in afterwards.

Izaya’s been unbearable lately. He’s got so many highs and lows that Shizuo can’t keep up with him. It’s like he’s not taking his meds at all. He’s always been difficult in a way, but this week has been awful. It’s not his fault, but when he’s upset it makes Shizuo upset and nothing he does seems to do any good.

“Maybe he should get his meds adjusted,” Celty types via phone when he confides in her. “It might take awhile to get the dose right. Everyone is different.” She had rested a gloved hand on Shizuo’s arm and that had kept him calm for a few hours.

“True.” Shizuo had said. He almost wonders if Izaya is in fact taking his meds, but he just got them refilled so he must be. It’s not right, after all, not to trust him. If Izaya says he is taking them, then he is.

He’s just so damn unstable. Shizuo’s read a few articles on bipolar disorder. He bought a book at a store on Sunshine Street and ordered another online. He reads them religiously and tries to make sense of them.

He wants to be supportive, but sometimes Izaya’s behavior just doesn’t make any damn sense, no matter how much he reads.

He’s happy and positive in the morning, cranky by mid-day, pacing and speaking intensely by dinner, then boom! Deeply depressed by dessert and inconsolable by midnight.

Something’s gotta give, because this is not fun for either of them. Shizuo is starting to resent Izaya a little bit, and he hates it because he knows it’s not Izaya’s fault. Shizuo just doesn’t know how to fix something that can’t be fixed. In a lot of ways, he’s at a loss because he barely takes care of his own emotional needs; much less know how to support someone else's.

Fuck, Shizuo just doesn’t know what to do, when Izaya gets so high and then crashes so low and back up again. How can he help? Does he need to go to therapy with him? Does he need to read more about it? The books are great and all, but Shizuo doesn’t always have the patience to do what they suggest, plus they were often confusing.

Izaya has a therapist, but would Shizuo getting a therapist of his own help them both?

He doesn’t have insurance, being a bodyguard slash debt collector. Could he even afford a therapist?

This thought is what lead to Shizuo grabbing a bench and throwing it as far as inhumanly possible. It crashes into a parked car spectacularly, and the owner is not far behind pulling out his phone to call the cops.

Shizuo feels shame like he’s never felt, which is saying something because he’s often ashamed of himself when he does this.

“Dammit. I’m sorry.” Shizuo sighs. The man looks up from his phone.

“You actually look sorry.” He observes, “Why do you do this?” Shizuo frowns, feeling defensive, before realizing the stranger is being sincere.

“I get mad. Lately I’ve been really stressed.” Shizuo admits. He surveys the totaled car, bench through it, and feels sick. What if someone had been in the car? Like a person sitting and waiting? Or a dog with the window cracked just for a few minutes. Or a baby someone had just buckled into a car seat…

“Why?”

“Huh??” Shizuo says. The other chuckles.

“Why are you stressed?”

“My boyfriend has bipolar disorder. He’s doing poorly. I want to help him, but I can’t stand him sometimes.” Shizuo admits at once. The guilt of the last statement tastes sour. Why on earth is he saying all of this? He doesn’t know this man. What does he care?

“Does he have a therapist? Is he looking for one?” The man asks randomly.

“Yeah, he does, so what?”

“Do you have one? I’m taking patients. If you like here’s my card.”

Shizuo laughs hard. He crashed quite literally into exactly what he was looking for. “You’re telling me, you’re a shrink?”

“Daisuke Sato. Come by my office, and we can figure out your problems. And the car thing.” They both cringe. 

“Yeah. Sorry about that man. I’ll pay.”

Daisuke laughs. Shizuo stays until the cops come. His new shrink doesn’t press charges. The card in his pocket feels like comfort, a little light in the darkness.

Shizuo laughs heartily. Who would go out of their way just to help someone like Shizuo?

“Maybe the city put him up to it, to get my crazy ass off the streets.” Shizuo muses lightheartedly.

He walks home, wondering what Izaya will think of all this.

Back at the apartment Izaya cradles his phone at his shoulder, listening to the silence on the other end. He feels disappointment in his entire body, cold and deep, not unlike the depression that follows him around these days like a ghost. He doesn’t know what to say to Shinra. The line on the other end of the phone is crackling softly as his former friend lets him process what he had just heard. Maybe Izaya shouldn’t have asked why Mikado needed stitches in the first place.

Izaya’s always joked that curiosity killed the cat and that his own personal cat was on borrowed time, but this took the fucking cake.

“So… Mikado really did quit the Dollars.” Izaya clarifies.

He’s apparently living happily ever after with Anri, enjoying an honest life, working at the antique shop her parents used to own. They were happily living in sin like young adults like to do. No gang involvement. None at all. Mikado was done with that dangerous lifestyle. He wanted to run a business with his girlfriend, who he loved and who loved him in return.

A wholesome decent life, one that Saika had _personally_ guaranteed.

Izaya feels sick.

Izaya’s search for dirt on Mikado had turned sweet and tender and he wasn’t happy about it. Perhaps it was strange that he wasn’t happy for the young man, but it just wasn’t what he was looking for.

“Surprised?” Shinra says sweetly. There is a soft challenge underneath the sugar.

_Why would this bother you, Izaya, is this an ideal reaction?_

“Naturally. It's so... twisted” Izaya near snarls. He hadn’t been able to find any suspicious activity online about Mikado. The Dollars were gone after Mikado’s stunt at the police station. Nobody was dumb enough now to display the Dollar’s invisible colors. Izaya had still been hoping that Mikado was involved in something illegal.

Still didn’t explain the stitches. Why would Mikado go to Shinra for stitches if he wasn't injured doing something suspicious? Izaya wishes he hadn't asked.

As it turned out it was suspicious, and it was probably the best thing that could have happened to Mikado.

“It’s pretty romantic isn’t it? She saved him.” Shinra muses.

Izaya nods even though Shinra can’t see him. He’ll give Anri that, at least. There’s no denying it. She truly does love Mikado.

“I wonder how that conversation went. He just told her he wanted her to slash him? Why would he do that?” Izaya marvels.

Shinra exhales, “Mikado knows he’s unstable. He’s capable of seriously hurting people, even Masaomi. He attempted suicide in the end. If Celty hadn’t been there, he’d be dead right now. He wanted Saika to control him so he didn’t have to struggle with those parts of himself anymore. I think Anri did the right thing. He told me she agreed as soon as he asked. He probably thought he’d have to beg, but she trusted his judgment. Shows how much she loves him. Shows how much he trusts her. She gave him a pretty decent wound too. I guess he wanted to look at it as a reminder.”

Izaya laughs softly, “I suppose that’s true.” He’s referring to Anri’s supposed love.

_Would Shizuo do something like that for me?_

Would he even want him to? Who is Izaya Orihara anyways? Some powerful info broker deep in the heart of the underworld, or some simpering invalid, with scars in his hide and pain in his mind?

“I think it’s a mixture of both my friend.” Shinra giggles.

“Ah. I see my thoughts were spoken aloud.” Izaya sighs. Shinra laughs more.

“It’s okay to be neither here nor there. Nobody is saying you have to be one or the other. People are just shades of gray. Some more wholesome, some blacker to the core, but nobody is strictly one or the other. My advice for you is to get out of your head, and just do what feels right, instead of designing who you should be. You’re kinda doing what the twins did, drawing imaginary straws to pick your personality out. But you are who you are, Izaya. Some of it’s from circumstance, and some is by choice. All you can pick is the choice. You can’t get rid of some things, so focus on what you can change.”

Izaya nods again, despite being on a phone. He’s not sure what to say.

“Ok.” He agrees finally. It feels lame compared to Shinra’s thoughtful speech.

“Take care.” Shinra says softly, he hangs up.

_He called me his friend. I wonder if he meant it._

Izaya doesn’t know what he wants anymore. He’s been deeply depressed for several days, but he feels really irritable too. He refilled his meds, but only takes them if Shizuo is watching. He feels like if he just tried harder he could fix himself. The meds cloud his judgment. Izaya has never liked substances. He likes his brain to be his own, free and clear.

Izaya doesn’t want to take his meds, so he won’t. He’s a grown man, and he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

He can do this on his own. If he couldn’t what did that make him?

_You’re a failure. You’re weak. He’ll leave you._

Shizuo had rejected him yesterday. Izaya literally climbed on his lap and Shizuo had gently pushed him off. He wants to try new things in bed, some of the stuff they had already talked about and Izaya was pretty sure he didn’t want to do before, but he felt brave now, emboldened by the fire in his blood.

“I’m sorry. No.” Shizuo had said.

“Why the fuck not?” Izaya had demanded. His face was hot with embarrassment.

“’You’ve never been this manic before.” Shizuo’s face is both sincere and utterly unapologetic at once.” You’re suggesting acts that are riskier than what we’ve done, stuff where I could really hurt you. You literally keep bringing up things we already decided were no-goes. You’re… kinda drunk.” Shizuo sums up lamely.

“I don’t drink. You know I don’t like substances.” Izaya grounds out.

“I know, I just don't know how to describe it. I guess… there’s not really a law against it. I mean you’re of age, you’re consenting, and you’re not drunk. But when you are manic and heightened and wanting things you don’t usually want it makes me feel like it’s not okay.” Shizuo says earnestly. Izaya sees the well intended concern there, but the rejection takes the wheel.

“Fuck you!. You can’t speak to me like that if I consent.”

“Well,” Shizuo deadpans, “then you can’t speak for me, if I don’t. I may be the top, but my consent matters too.”

That had been the end of that. They had sex once after that, but it was awkward because Izaya was still mad.

_Not mad. You’re hurt. Don’t lie to yourself._

Izaya stares at his phone. The sun is still presumably shining outside, but he has the black out curtains drawn and when the light of Shinra’s ended call dims it’s black in the bedroom.

If Shizuo was wielding Saika, and Izaya’s bipolar disorder was Mikado’s destructive tendencies, would Izaya ask him to slash him to help rein him in?

No. Absolutely not. He can do this alone. Shizuo's not his keeper.

Yes. He’ll give anything to make this misery stop. Just stop, so he can think for a minute.

Izaya laughs in the darkness.

“Thank you brain, for two answers at once.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of people do stuff they wouldn't usually do while manic, and sex is kind of a big one for some of my bipolar friends. I feel like there need to be more people saying "nah you're really off right now, maybe we shouldn't" but honestly it doesn't always work out nicely and people end up doing stuff they really regret. Consent needs to be more discussed in our society if you ask me, and needs to be more widely defined.
> 
> *Climbs off soapbox* XD


	13. the bleached sheets and the cold that thaws

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It would appear that my trend of odd chapter titles is continuing lol
> 
> Thanks for all the comments, bookmarks and kudos :) I still have a lot of ideas for this, so keep reading and enjoy <3

“I heard he was excited.” Celty says on her PDA, “when he found out she was pregnant.”

“Wow,” Shinra smiles, “I’m so happy for Masaomi. I can’t believe he and Saki are having a baby. Little young though."

“They've been out of high school a couple years now. I don't think it's bad. Do you ever feel sad, we can’t have that? A baby I mean.” Celty types. Only Shinra can hear the self doubt in her words.

Shinra’s brow furrows in consideration, “Would be nice. But you’re always going to be enough for me. Plenty in fact.”

Celty’s shadow poofs out a little heart. She regains her bearings and resumes texting.

“Do you really think everything will be okay?”

“What a vague question!” Shinra exclaims happily. “I think Saki and Masaomi will be happy with their child, but it won’t be easy. I think you and I will be happy for sure! And as for Izaya and Shizuo, who knows!”

“Has Izaya really changed?” Celty prompts.

“Yes.” Shinra admits softly, “actually I think he’s still changing. It’s pretty obvious he’s off his meds, though. You can tell he’s struggling”

“I didn’t realize he had gone off them. Why would he? Anri said he was in pain.”

“Oh, Celty, Izaya has always been in pain. It’s just not always easy to tell because he used to mask it. Now it’s more obvious. And I dunno! I think it’s hard to accept that you need them. Izaya doesn’t like needing, or being needed.” Shinra says, leaning back on the sofa.

“I wish he could stop doing things that were bad for him.” Celty continues, “It would seem that they more taboo something is the more he wants a part of it. It’s like he can’t help himself!”

Shinra nods, approvingly. There’s no denying that the dullahan was right.

“He says he wants out. Plus one of his main bosses, Shiki just died…”

“You don’t think…” Celty types slowly.

“Nope. Izaya will talk someone towards a ledge, but I don’t know if he’s legit _murdered_ anybody. Vorona killed Shiki. You know how?” Shinra laughs, “This is supposedly only theory, but he died from being poisoned.”

“Poisoned?” Celty types, “that doesn’t sound like her.”

“No.” comes a voice from the doorway. “But I had to do differently this time.”

  
Celty smacks Shinra lightly. He doesn’t even look at the phone.

“I know, I know. Announce planned guests beforehand. But Vorona, how’d you do it?”

“You really think I’ll tell? I’m no fool. Probably have camera in here.” She sits on the couch and has the manners not to rest her feet on the coffee table.

“So…” Shinra plows ahead. “You knew a man like Shiki would have bodyguards and a weapon on him, you knew you were beautiful so you posed as an exotic dancer, found breath mints that had poison in them and when he got a private dance with you, you offered him a kiss and a mint, and he took the bait?”

Vorona laughs softly. “Is a little scary, to be so easily read. Maybe I should have done another way.”

“Don’t worry. The cops are stumped. Have no idea what to make of it, especially with no traces of poison or mint on the autopsy report.” Shinra smirks.

“Please don’t tell me you did the autopsy.” Celty deadpans.

“Before we get to that why did you do this, Vorona? Also, is that your real name? I know it means ‘crow’ but who names their daughter, ‘crow,’ honestly? Who made the mints? Where’d you get the idea for something like that anyways?” Shinra segways. Celty shakes her head, Vorona sighs.

“I am Vorona, that is all. The rest is none of your concern. And…” the blonde looks down at her shoes, “For Shizuo. Izaya needs to leave shady job to be happy. Shizuo needs happy Izaya to be happy himself. If Shiki is gone, Izaya will be able to take advantage of uproar and leave when others do. If Shizuo is unhappy with me, I should like him to be happy with someone else.”

“The sex was that bad, huh?” Shinra giggles. Celty and Vorona both karate chop him.

“Sorry!” He rubs the back of his freshly smacked head with his hand, “But Ms. Crow, that means that you have the same mindset to help that Namie had!”

“How?”

“She managed to finagle being the one doing the autopsy. Her words were ‘that Russian trollop is going to get Izaya in trouble if they find out she did it for him’ and then she faked the autopsy!”

“Good grief” Celty’s body language says.

Vorona sighs thoughtfully. “I’m not a trollop, but I should probably thank her.” She gets up to leave.

“Oh, and Ms Crow? What if being an informant IS what’s best for Izaya? What if that would make him, and therefore Shizuo the happiest?” Shinra prompts deviously. “What if you killing Shiki is meddling like you stabbing Izaya in the first place? Might be good to stop helping!”

Vorona shrugs on her way out the door.

Shinra smiles. “Wouldn’t it be neat, Celty, if our little Izaya took Shiki’s place?”

“When did it… how did…” Daisuke tries again. “I’m sorry, Mr Heiwajima, I’m just not sure where to start. Which came first, the superhero temper tantrums, or the romance with your sworn enemy? I’ve never seen anything like this, not in all my years of practice.”

“He’s not my enemy anymore.” Shizuo scoffs good naturedly. “I just looked at him one day and I didn’t hate him anymore.”

“Why do you think that was?” Daisuke prompts.

“One day I woke up after a night of… you know, and he was still there. And I really looked at him.” Shizuo explains. “I always knew I was taller, weighed a bit more but even though I had noted it before, it really struck me then. I put my hands on his waist as he was sleeping to put him to scale. My hands covered a lot of his back. I got off the bed and looked at him. I wrapped my hand around his calves and my fingers touched. I saw the wounds people had inflicted on him over the years, myself included. I saw how small he was, how damaged. I didn’t like how it made me feel.”

Daisuke nods approvingly. “How did it make you feel?”

“Like…” Shizuo nibbles a piece of loose skin on his thumbnail. “It made me feel like he didn’t deserve my hatred anymore.”

“Do you still resent him? For what he’s done?”

Shizuo laughs. The question feels silly.

“I wish we could have fallen in love from the start. There are things he’s done that I think were unacceptable, like the hits he ordered on me, and him causing gangs wars. Izaya’s done some fucked up shit, I’m not blind to that.” Shizuo pauses, “But he needs me to believe in him now, and he deserves forgiveness. I get way more being with him than I would with anyone else.”

“That is an interesting way to put it.” Daisuke says. Shizuo feels a little panicked, before realizing his shrink is smiling.

“You said, ‘I get way more being with him than I would with anyone else,’ instead of saying you get more being with him, than being without him. Had you said the latter, I would be concerned you felt unable to be with someone else, but the wording you used lets me know that you have chosen him specifically to be your partner after considering your options.”

Shizuo pauses “Of course. That’s good right?”

“Certainly, means it’s a lot healthier of a relationship than I was expecting. I think the fact that you encourage him to practice good self care is good. And you seem to get busy a lot. That’s also healthy. What did he say about you coming here to see me? Did you tell him?”

“I didn’t. I felt bad that I needed to.” Shizuo admits, still flushed from the ‘busy’ comment. “I want him to think that he can count on me. I don’t want him to think it’s his fault I need a shrink.”

“Ah.” Daisuke hums, “tell me, do you judge Izaya for needing a therapist?”

“No. He’s sick, he needs it.” Shizuo grounds out, suddenly angry.

“Why aren’t you allowed to need it? Why don’t you deserve the same care and time, Izaya does? You’re not dealing with a diagnosis, like he is, so what? If you need someone to talk to, then why not?”

“I don’t know. He’s not going anymore, anyways.” Shizuo huffs.

Daisuke looks alarmed.

“When did he stop? Around the same time he started rapid cycling?”

“Huh?” Shizuo says.

“You said he’ll be horribly manic, then horribly sad and it goes back and forth like so all day. Around that time, did he stop taking his medication? A lot of people take themselves off their meds. It’s like how you don’t want to _need_ therapy, Izaya’s refusing his treatment because he hates needing it.”

Shizuo’s gut twists cold.

“He said he was taking them. But I wasn’t completely sure.” He admits.

“Try to approach him in a gentle way. It’s not easy to be in Izaya’s place. Encourage him to resume therapy at the very least. If you need another session I can try to get you in sooner. I’m afraid our session is up.”

Shizuo nods his thanks.

“You said he’s been very depressed, possibly suicidal?” Daisuke confirms as he heads out the door.

“Yes.”

“Here’s a number if you need to take him to a psychiatric hospital. Hopefully you won’t need to use it, but here it is nonetheless.”

Izaya lays under the covers, lights off. He wishes he could say he was dozing but he’s bored and tired and maybe a little sad, so he’s been under the covers awhile now.

He stirs a little when he hears Shizuo come in the bedroom, smiles outright when he hears him toe of his shoes and shuck off his clothes. He switches on the lamp and it’s no longer completely dark in Izaya’s world. There’s a metaphor in that, but Izaya’s too tired to make it right now.

Shizuo is taking no care in fear of waking him, they both know Izaya doesn’t sleep anymore. He pulls Izaya’s body to his own as soon as he’s lying down.

Izaya used to feel that the cold never went away unless Shizuo was holding him, inside him or both, but now the cold never goes away.

“You okay?’ Shizuo asks. He sounds blunt, straightforward even through his concern. It’s unwelcome, this question.

“Yes.” Izaya says quickly, then, “No.”

“What’s up?” it feels too casual a phrase with Izaya pressed into every curve of his body. The lamp shines illumination onto the dark purple sheets. Izaya notes that Shizuo’s latest hair touch up has bleached a yellow spot in them, and he should care, but he doesn’t.

Izaya swallows and makes himself answer. He keeps his eyes closed, images dancing behind his eyelids. Does everyone see things before they sleep or was it just him? He was told he had psychosis, but the voice inside that was himself, and the voice that liked to criticize him both said the same things so who was to say who was who, anymore.

“It’s just,” Izaya says swiftly to get it out of the way, “during the day you don’t let yourself think every thing, then you lie down, and everything washes over you. Then you have this blind panic where you suddenly include everything you left out.”

Shizuo rubs at his back, “I’m not sure I understand.”

_Of course you wouldn’t._

“It’s okay,” Izaya says semi honestly, “It’s okay if you don’t.” Shizuo presses a kiss to his hair, pauses cautiously in the almost darkness.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you still taking your meds?”

“Of course.” Izaya scoffs. Every shift in Shizuo’s body lets him know that the lie is detected, but he just gathers him up closer.

“I can’t imagine. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.” It hits Izaya like a bus.

Izaya cries silently, tears running into his mouth, salty, sweet and bitter like the very moment he’s in.

Shizuo notices despite Izaya’s quietness. He look at him, with his mouth in a soft, determined line.

“I’m not.” Izaya admits.

“I know.” Shizuo says matter of factly.

“You’re not mad?” Izaya checks.

“I think you should be taking them.”

“Why?” Izaya snarls, “why should I take them?”

Shizuo’s answering kiss isn’t what Izaya’s expecting, it’s harder. He expects the soft and sweet at the core of it but the passion takes him aback. Izaya wants softness and is pleased when he finds teeth instead. This kiss doesn’t comfort, it demands Izaya thaw out from the cold he’s accepted. When they part his lips feels numb and wet, and Shizuo is empathatic.

“Because there’s more to life than this.”


	14. won't you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting :) I appreciate it

They are still in bed hours later. Shizuo dozes for awhile, but he has trouble sleeping when Izaya is awake Izaya looks quietly uncomfortable a few moments before he actually speaks.

“I know she was trying to help.” He starts, “but I kinda liked Shiki.”

It hadn't occurred to Shizuo that on top of his illness, Izaya was grieving someone he respected.

“I’m sorry. I wish she hadn’t then. But this means you can get out right?”

“The Awakusu is in an uproar. Without a leader, they will fall to pieces. I’m already out as far as I’m concerned.” Izaya rolls over to prop himself up on his better arm. The pain has been really bothering him lately, because he’s stopped doing physical therapy too. He continues, “Celty offered to throw some scare into my remaining clients to convince them I’m no longer available. I might do it.”

_Might?_

He knows Izaya still isn’t sure, but _migh_ t?? He elects not to comment for now. He picks a book off the table, the one about understanding bipolar disorder and reads while Izaya scrolls endlessly on his phone.

Izaya finally falls asleep a little after 4 AM, and Shizuo knows he will sleep a lot of the day. He doesn’t even look terribly peaceful, jaw slightly tense even in sleep and his hair a little oily. He looks miserable even in sleep.

Something has to change. Izaya shouldn’t live like this. He deserves more.

It happens in stages as he watches Izaya sleep, Shizuo’s realizations. First comes his typical emotions, then the ones he doesn’t usually acknowledge. Finally he sits staring at Izaya with a newfound grasp on the situation.

He’s working a lot with Daisuke, and he told Shizuo a lot of things that are suddenly starting to make sense.

At first as Shizuo watches his lover sleep, he feels completely desperate. He’s filled with a lot of things; all rushing over him at once like he’s in a raft and the water was coming fast at him. He’s drowning in the pain of not knowing how to help Izaya feel better.

He’s angry first of all, because that’s his go-to. Daisuke says that Shizuo is not an angry person, just someone who turns that way in favor of more vulnerable emotions. It feels less scary for some reason to be angry so everything turns to anger for Shizuo, even when he’s not actually mad.

The mere suggestion of his shrink’s, that Shizuo was actually fragile, had made Shizuo want to throw another bench through his car. He had told Izaya about it last night. Izaya had laughed and offered to help cover the damage. He even told Izaya he was seeing a shrink.

_“I should see mine too.” Izaya had said, “Does it help any?”_

_“It does. I’m not going to let you pay for something I threw though.”_

_“Are you going because I’m driving you crazy?” Izaya had asked. It was probably meant to be a joke, but he looked a bit nervous, so Shizuo answers carefully._

_“I want to know how to be healthier as a person so I can support you better. Andf honestly for myself too, I’ve always had problems. It wasn’t until you got diagnosed that I realized I could do something else with the stress, other than lose my shit.”_

Initially, Shizuo thought he was mad at Izaya for not taking his meds, not going to therapy, but the longer he sits, he realizes that this is not the case. He understands, Izaya’s sick, and he’s having a really hard time, and Shizuo knows he probably has his reasons for continuing the same habits he’s always had, which is basically lackluster self care.

Why is he so angry then? Shizuo asks himself. He smooths through Izaya’s messy hair and feels him relax slightly in his troubled sleep. Shizuo’s hand quivers as he chokes on his emotions.

Why should Izaya have to deal with this? Why does he have to be so miserable? Why has he been given some awful illness that won’t go away when he already has so much shit to deal with?

How is that fair? How is that allowed?

“ _It’s a grieving process. For you and Izaya that you will go through over and over.” Daisuke had explained, “that things are the way that they are. You feel like you’re a bad partner because he’s often unhappy, but your job is to support and love him, not to fix him! A lot of the work, Izaya needs to do himself, and your job is simply to be encouraging and supportive, and that, Shizuo is plenty!”_

He needs to be there for Izaya and he needs to also take care of himself, so he doesn’t lose his own mind. He’s just not entirely sure what to do. Maybe it’s enough to listen, and pet Izaya’s hair to soothe him in sleep, and to take care of himself.

“ _You can’t pour from an empty cup. You’re trying so hard to cheer Izaya up, that you’re starting to look unwell yourself.” Celty had said, “Izaya needs professional help, and it’s important that he gets it.”_

If Shizuo could fight the illness and kick it’s ass, that would be great because he’s a straightforward person, and this is more shades of gray emotional stuff, like he’s always been terrible at…and he’s scared that he lacks the patience to be well… patient.

“Shizuo?” Izaya says sleepily.

“Yeah babe?” Shizuo answers swiftly.

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” Izaya says. Shizuo can’t tell if he’s simply expressing frustration or demonstrating that he’s thinking about the ledge again, but he knows it’s serious all the same.

“I know. What would you like to do?”

“Would you…” Izaya mumbles, “Fuck. So on my last session I went to, he told me about something, and I think I should do it? But you might not want to.”

“What’s that?” Shizuo asks.

“Some sort of support group. It's for people with mental illnesses, and their families. I know it might be kind of weird to go…”

“Yes!” Shizuo says loudly, excitedly, “I will go, when is it?”

“You’ll go?” Izaya says surprised.

“The heck are you so shocked for, why wouldn’t I go?” Shizuo says urgently, feeling sort of offended, before he reminds himself that probably no one has ever been supportive of Izaya Orihara in his life. He softens. “If you think something, anything will make you feel less shitty, then I will do it. Fuck, I wish you had another kind of illness. Like…”

“Something that wasn’t all in my head? You mean?” Izaya teases.

“Like, something where I could give you a kidney or lung or something. And then you’d feel better.” Shizuo’s both parts silly and dead serious and is slightly alarmed when he notices Izaya’s eyes widening and watering.

“You’d give me your kidney if I needed it?” Izaya again looks surprised.

“Of course, flea. You just said, it, didn’t you? We’re family.”

Izaya looks very happy to hear this, but still a little unsettled.

“What if I can’t go?” Izaya comes over to his side, and curls up in the shadow of Shizuo’s body. Shizuo feels like the ‘can’t’ is telling, that it’s not that Izaya is resisting so much as he is uneasy and feeling nervous.

“Then, I still will. I’ll get something out of it too.” Shizuo adjusts so Izaya is in his arms.

“Is it wrong that I’m scared?” Izaya suggests quietly, sadness laced throughout in his voice, “I’m scared nothing I do will help, so in a way I’ve already given up.”

“ What did I tell you when this first came up?” Shizuo rolls over a bit so he faces him better. “It’s never too late until they put you in the ground, isn’t that what I said?”

“No…” Izaya giggles, “You said ‘fucking’ in there somewhere too. And it was in reference to me not talking to my sisters, not my depression.”

Shizuo nips him lightly on his ear just to hear him yelp.

“So what, smarty pants?” he teases, “who are you going to go see later today?”

Izaya stays silent.

“It’ll get better, if you let it.” Shizuo says softly. Izaya doesn’t say anything. Shizuo knows he’s scared that nothing will change but he knows Izaya is strong and that he can do it.

“We’re both type O. So if you needed a kidney, I’d give you one too.” Izaya says eventually, then he smirks, “we’ve already exchanged so much now, already! I’m so generous with you, aren’t you grateful to have me?”

Shizuo hears the snark and laughs with joy and mirth.

“You sound like yourself right now. You haven’t for awhile.”

“You wanna do it?” Izaya asks suddenly

“Do what?” Shizuo teases, “you’re always saying I’m a simpleton, maybe I need some context.”

“How’s this for context.” Izaya is laughing, hands sliding down.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

“Did…. Did someone just bang on our door?” Shizuo gets up with lightening speed. Izaya looks white.

“Probably a drunk. Maybe got lost?” He suggests lamely. Shizuo resists the urge to roll his eyes. Izaya’s ritzy apartment is one of the only ones on the floor, and he really doubts it’s anyone but trouble.

“Stay there.” Shizuo orders.

“Wait…” Izaya is saying as the door pounds again. Shizuo looks at him and goes towards the door, and curses when Izaya follows.

The door opens.

“The knock was a courtesy you know.”

Shizuo’s not sure if his eyes are lying to him, but Izaya laughs in the way he does when he’s proven right on one of his crazier theories.

“I knew it. I knew she didn’t kill you. The M.O. was so not like her. Poison??”

Shizuo opens up the door, lets the not so strange stranger in the apartment.

“So, Shiki,” Izaya drawls, “what’s our plan?”

“I thought… Vorona killed you!” Shizuo gasps.

“She certainly tried. I have a good amount of immunity to certain poisons.” Shiki sits down, “But that’s okay. I have to admit, I can’t fault her for that.”

“Oh goodness.” Izaya laughs lightly, “Don’t tell me it was love at first poisoning?”

Shiki sits down heavily on the couch, his eyes bright nonetheless.

“Most inconvenient for the leader of the Awakusu Kai to fall for a little Russian assassin don’t you think? Is that why you’re pretending to be dead?” Izaya teases.

“How the hell are you getting all of this?” Shizuo demands curiously of Izaya. “I’m still recovering from the first loud knock on the door, and you’re already figuring out his motives?”

“What can, I say babe, other than I’m a genius. You made the simpleton comment yourself.” Izaya teases. Shizuo wants to be offended but Izaya’s eyes are so warm, that all he can think about it what they were interrupted from doing not a few moments ago.

“I need to stay 'dead'. I want to pursue her, but I’ll never get a chance in this city. We’d have to leave. But I need someone to take my place. I need someone that people are already afraid of, who is highly intelligent and can run my affairs with ease. That someone will need a bodyguard who is devoted to their well-being and safety.”

“You’re not implying…” Shizuo starts, before he looks over at his boyfriend. Izaya’s eyes look bright and alive like they had never been dead at all, like he’s never fantasized about jumping or anything of the sort. He looks like life has been breathed back into him, the manic, but genuine joy spreading into his body and causing him to glow.

Shiki crosses his legs casually, “you’ll do it won’t you, Mr. Orihara?”


	15. a practical and thoughtful gesture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! Happy start of the holiday season, I've already shopped for all my family and my closest friends, because Christmas is my jam and I have a constant and intense urge to shop ahhaha. 
> 
> Thanks for the kudos! Please enjoy and leave a comment if you like it. I love me some comments <3 enjoy :)

“So… what happened? Was it love at first poisoning?”

“Mr. Orihara,” Shiki warns, “you’re allowed to use that joke once.”

“Sorry!” Izaya is happier than he has been in awhile, “What does Ms. Vorona think of you falling in love with her?”

“Is nice. Very unexpected.”

“Speak of the devil.” Izaya deadpans, “what, you almost kill someone I don’t mind for me, and now you can come to my appointment before dawn?”

“Apparently so,” Vorona laughs, “We are leaving.”

“Like leaving, leaving?” Shizuo asks her, looking a bit disappointed. She nods.

“I want to go back to Russia. Shiki said he would follow me. The awakusu kai is… is no good for him anymore.”

“It’s a mess, and I need a change of scenery” Shiki sums up, “I’d rather spend time fighting alongside a beautiful young woman than watch my men lose their minds.”

“I want to climb ladder and defeat the best and strongest, and it means nothing to do that in a foreign country. I want to go home and be at the top!”

“So, you two are going to go fuck Russia’s shit up? Instead of fucking shit up here?” Shizuo laughs. Vorona nods, smiling for the first time Izaya’s seen her do so.

“Da!”

Izaya makes himself bite his tongue when Shizuo hugs Vorona goodbye. He knows nothing will come of it, and that Shizuo will miss his friend.

Knowing she’s leaving the country helps too.

“So really what happened?” Shizuo asks when they part.

“I tried to poison him, but he wasn’t dumb enough to take the mint. I had to put it in my mouth.” Vorona sighs, “and I liked kissing him, so I took him to Mr. Shinra. And Mr. Shinra had me take him to Ms. Namie. She faked his death.”

“Why?” Izaya asks.

“Because she wanted me to ask you to take over the Awakusu Kai, even though I didn’t want you to.” Shiki says, lacing his arms through Vorona’s.

‘The purpose of that being…” Izaya snarls.

“When Shiki asked Izaya,” Vorona asks Shizuo, “What did you think? What did you feel? And what did you see in Izaya’s face?”

Shizuo chuckles, “I thought no way is my mentally ill, physically disabled, boyfriend becoming the leader of one the biggest and worst gangs of the city. But…” he looks at Izaya, like he’s never truly seen him before, “ you looked so _happy”_

“Namie thinks that it’s unnatural for Izaya not to be an informant. She felt like suggesting a more serious role before hand would both illustrate Izaya’s true wants to Shizuo, and make it look more reasonable for him to resume his previous work.”

“I’m not sure,” Izaya says softly, “I miss it. I’m just trying to be better.” Part of him is just surprised that Namie of all people would give a shit.

“You don’t need to be better.” Shizuo says earnestly. It resonates deep in Izaya, that acceptance. Is Shizuo really okay with Izaya going back into the dark heart of the city?

“I… I don’t know what to do. But…” he shakes Shiki’s hand, and Vorona’s too. “I wish you both luck in your endeavor.”

“Thank you.” Vorona says for them both. She pulls him in for a hug, which surprises him. He’s always associated her with blood, but her hair is soft, and she smells even softer.

“You really fell in love that quick?” Izaya asks as they head out the door.

“I told him I liked to read. He promised me a book from every city we ever go through.”

“Goodbye, Mr. Orihara. I have a guy in the Awakusu Kei that is going to take over for me. He’s alright, and he’ll pay you well for information. If you choose, we will always have work for you. I realize you may have… forgive me, but I know you have physical limitations. Should you need a bodyguard, we can arrange that too.”

“He’s already got one.” Shizuo says, possibly joking, “but an extra is always good. Thanks for looking out for him.”

“Of course. Goodbye.”

The day passes like a blur after that. Early mornings tend to have the effect.

Izaya find himself around 10:30 sitting on a park bench, Kururi and Mairu on either side of him. He has his arms over both sides of the bench, which both gives a slightly tender stretch to his previously injured body and gives the illusion that he’s got his arms around his siblings, which makes him feel more like their protector and less like he’s no good.

“So… this Shiki guy isn’t actually dead, and he wants you to be in charge of one of the biggest gangs in the city?” Mairu asks joyfully, through a bite of the soft serve ice cream he had bought them. She’s almost finished, but took a lot longer than her twin. For all Kururi’s soft spokenness she gets really excited for ice cream and tends to eat hers faster. It’s not an important detail, truly, but it feels like it is anyways.

He’s always enjoyed observing humans, but learning about the only two that he calls family, brings him a joy that he can’t even begin to contain. The twins and Shizuo were sometimes the only things that kept him afloat.

“Will you?” Kururi asks softly. She holds her empty cup softly in her hands. She tends to do that, to wait until the three of them were finished talking before she throws the remnants of their meal away, as if not wanting to interrupt with the movement.

“I might go back to being an informant, but I have no interest with being a gang leader, I don’t think that’s what Shiki wants either” Izaya answers honestly, “I don’t like drugs and I don’t like unnecessary violence. Some of the things I turned a blind eye to before, trouble me now.”

He thinks of things like human trafficking, gun violence and the like now in relation to Mairu and Kururi and Shizuo and it makes him feel absolutely nauseated.

“So why did they say on the news that he was dead? Does Vorona know and why did Namie do a fake autopsy? What does this mean for you and for us?” Mairu demands.

“In all honesty, Namie knowing her, she was in it for the money, I’m sure Shiki paid her well,” Izaya says simply. He wants to believe Namie cares, but he doesn’t want to say so, and be proven a fool.  
  


“I think Namie cares about you, I think she was protecting you somehow, because if he were dead, and Vorona had actually killed him for you, Namie would have protected you by faking the autopsy anyways,” Mairu says excitedly.

“Gross.” Izaya says lightly, in reference to Namie being some sort of a friend, even as he is filled with a sort of warmth at the thought of it.

“I think you should.” Mairu says after her last slurp. She leans into Izaya’s side, like a sleepy vanilla ice fed cat.

“Should what?” Izaya asks dumbly. Both of the twins laugh.

“Yes,” Kururi agrees. “You’d be happy.”

“You think I should continue being an informant?” Izaya confirms with hesitation.

“Maybe not start as much trouble.” Mairu suggests with a twinkle in her eye, “Because lets face it, you’ve been a total troll, but you can’t just give it up completely and be happy right?”

“No.” Izaya feels light now that it’s been said out loud, “I don’t think I could. I want to do maybe a lighter version.”

“Yes! Less stirring the pot, and more gathering info, because it’s your job. Doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun though.” Mairu giggles.

“You should still have fun with it,” Kururi nods.

“You are both terrible influences, you know that?” Izaya gives them a little squeeze with both his arms. They all get up. Kururi finally throws her cup away. Maira holds Izaya’s hand and skips.

“What are we going to do now?”

Izaya suddenly sighs, “Shit, I have to get my labs done today. I totally forgot.”

“Labs?”

“Yeah, when you take lithium for bipolar they measure it in your blood to see if the levels are beneficial.” Which they may or may not be, seeing as Izaya’s developed an incredibly on again off again relationship with his medication.

“I thought you weren’t taking it,” Mairu asks.

“I wasn’t. Sometimes I do.” Izaya says absently, still trying to figure out what to do.

“Why?” Kururi says, “that would be like a round of antibiotics but not finishing the last row. Or a diabetic only taking insulin half the time. That doesn’t make any sense. You should either take them all the time, or not at all. In between just doesn’t make sense.”

“That’s honestly the most I’ve ever heard you speak at once,” Izaya blinks.

Mairu pulls him in by the neck, and hugs him.

“We want you to be okay, big brother. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but stay healthy, so we can hang out more, okay? We don’t want you to be so sad all the time.”

Kururi hugs him too, “love you.”

Izaya feels like he’s about to cry.

“I love you too. Both of you.”

“Go get your labs,” Mairu instructs, “even if you’re inconsistent, it’s good to see where you’re at.”

Izaya nods. He’s mildly amused by how much sway these sisters of his have over him.

“Catch you later,” he says softly. He feels incredibly happy even as the anxious of the appointment starts to build. The appointment is for eleven, and he shouldn’t miss it, if he walks quickly.

His anxiety mounts high as he gets closer to the building.

“Hello, my name is Izaya Orihara, I had an appointment for eleven?” he tells the woman at the counter.

“Do you have your ID? It looks like your doc already faxed the order. Have you been fasting for at least twelve hours?”

Izaya remembers the meal he had not thirty minutes ago.

“Uh… no. I didn’t realize I needed to.”

“I see. Well, go ahead and fast tonight. They usually check other things with lithium levels, like your TSH levels and your cholesterol. I’ll make you an appointment for eight tomorrow. If you have dinner around six or seven tonight don’t eat much later after that. Drink two bottles of water before you come in. If you’re dehydrated it’s more uncomfortable.”

“Thank… Thank you, sorry about that.”

“No worries. See you tomorrow.”

Izaya feels defeated as he’s out the door. He feels like kind of a baby saying this, but needles make him nervous. Any medical stuff does, after both times he was stabbed…

He remembers when the knife met his side, sliding in deep. He remembers feeling the needle go in his skin as they tried to save him, not entirely sure he would survive, before Shizuo loved him, and he was all alone…

He feels like he’s going to throw up just thinking about it, feeling an edge of panic that he doesn’t want right now, not while he’s walking home.

“Hey!” Shizuo greets him happily when he gets home. Kasuka waves from the couch, looking ever so polite even as he swallows his mouthful of food, and starts another.

It’s a new thing they do. Izaya hangs out with the twins, while Shizuo sees his brother. Shizuo wants to do a dinner with everyone soon, and just the thought of it felt overwhelmingly domestic

Izaya wants it so bad. To have this little family.

“How’s it going?” Izaya sets down his jacket. Shizuo smiles, again “going good! Oh! I’m off tomorrow. Celty and Shinra wanna hang out. I’m free later on in the day, I have a session with Daisuke at eight.”

Izaya does a total loop de loop. The warm thought of dinner with his friends vanishes when he realizes that he can’t possibly ask Shizuo to come with him now.

And what was Shizuo going to do? Hold your hand while they draw your blood because you’re really scared? What are you a child? Pathetic and pitiful, you scaredy cat.

“I would love to have dinner later in the day,” Izaya says instead, “I uh… have an appointment too. I wanna go back on my meds, so they wanna do blood work. Mine’s at eight too.”

“Do you want me to go with you?” Shizuo says, suddenly serious. “I know you’ve had a lot of medical emergencies this year. It might be a little nerve-wracking.”

_I’m such a wuss. No way am I gonna ask him! He’ll think I’m…_

“You have your appointment.” Kasuka reminds his brother gently, “but I can drive you Izaya.”

“I don’t need you to,” Izaya snaps. He’s incredibly embarrassed.

“What if you get dizzy or nervous?” Kasuka looks unaffected, “it’s more practical this way. I don’t mind.”

“Okay.” Izaya breathes out, feeling incredibly relieved. “I appreciate that.”

It’s not like he can’t go through with it right?

It’s going to be okay, he’s being silly for no reason!


	16. making a nest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm planning this as the second to last chapter. I have addressed a lot of what I wanted to, and don't wanna worry about updating in the holiday season so the chapter AFTER this one will likely be the ending. 
> 
> TW: PANIC ATTACK. PTSD FLASHBACKS about Izaya's old injuries. Is properly handled and the chapter ends on a pleasant note.

Shizuo doesn’t bottom as often, but when he does, he’s shy, and soft, and a bit uncertain. The uncertain part has faded a lot over time, and now he’s just soft and sweet. He gets shaky with sensation, but he enjoys it, and Izaya is always dumbfounded by the trust that it must take for him to let Izaya do it. For a long time in their ‘relationship’ (if you could call the beginning parts that) Izaya was an exclusive bottom, because Shizuo didn’t like feeling that vulnerable, especially before they liked each other.

Izaya remembers the first time they switched, months and months ago: Shizuo being a bit more than a little nervous and Izaya wanting to mock him for it.

_You can really dish it, but you sure can’t take it._

The taunt had been right in his mouth, but Shizuo had been unsure, and Izaya had been kind instead. Remembered his first time on the receiving end, how he was a bit nervous, and stroked at Shizuo’s face, asked him if he wanted to stop, ready to pull away, but when given the go ahead drank his cries from his mouth, knowing that even though they weren’t quite on friendly terms at the time, that he couldn’t bare to be cruel to someone, especially not Shizuo, in that kind of situation.

Last night, though: Shizuo had asked for it specifically, and it had been more than pleasant, Shizuo’s hands cupping his bottom as he moved, his own hands curling around Shizuo’s ears and hair as they lazily kissed.

Now, Shizuo is asleep, mouth slack, hands and legs heavily weighted down in sleep and completely absent of tension. He’s utterly beautiful, and Izaya wants to tell him so, but he loses the nerve to every time come morning.

He will work up to it. Shizuo deserves to know what he means, even when it’s embarrassing to say so.

Izaya likes to watch Shizuo sleep, on the nights he himself can’t, and he likes to think as he does so. Sometimes the wandering of his mind is troublesome, but there’s no problem tonight.

Izaya remembers the last session he went to with his therapist. He remembers stuff like that when he falls asleep at night, the time of day where his mind is on overdrive, and it almost seems like his brain wants nothing better than to work itself into lather. Now, though, with Shizuo’s peaceful form in front of him, he doesn’t feel frenzied.

“ _You keep talking about the night you almost died, the night that put you in a wheelchair for several months afterwards, like it was entirely Vorona’s fault, when Shizuo is part of the reason too. Why is that? Do you blame Shizuo?_  
  


No. He doesn’t. He honestly never really has. He’s gone through many phases of it, thinking alone at night, deciding how he feels.

First he blamed Shizuo, beast that he was. He was a brute, a bastard. An…insert a bad name here. He used to blame Shizuo for everything, and made everything in their battles Shizuo’s fault.

That approach didn’t work for very long after they were official and the learned fear had dissipated slowly but steadily until Izaya sought him out consistently instead of slinking away.

After that, Izaya had blamed himself, monster that he himself was. He had after all taunted the beast, and set him on metaphorical fire with his words and actions. He deserved what he got. Izaya deserves everything he’s gotten from life, especially the bad. That’s how he felt for a long time, but he luckily doesn’t feel that way anymore.

Lately, Izaya feels like it’s different and both these earlier stances don’t apply. He doesn’t think either of them deserved what they put the other through. He is simply a bit sad that they went to that place at all, that they couldn’t have this joy all along. But they were here now, and that was what mattered. Izaya can say he’s truly happy with Shizuo without any kind of lie.

Izaya had left his therapists office that day after that uneasy, at the time uncomfortable question, not sure what to say. Now he _is_ sure of what he would say, knows his therapist might not understand, but that he’s quite simply put the previous events between him and Shizuo behind them, the way he and Shizuo used to be mattered, but it wasn’t at the forefront of his mind anymore, and hadn’t been for awhile.

With every kiss, every night spent connected, every time one of them bites their tongue, so they can avoid a mean word, and so they can talk later with a more civil tone Izaya discovers that the past, matters, but it’s not running the show anymore.

Shizuo suddenly snores, like he knows even in sleep that Izaya is thinking of him.

“I love you.” Izaya murmurs. Shizuo does not wake. Izaya curls up closer, knowing he won’t sleep any longer, but content for the moment being.

When morning comes, Izaya almost makes himself coffee and toast, but remembers he’s supposed to be fasting.

“Kasuka should be here soon. I need to leave too.” Shizuo says. He kisses Izaya softly, lets it linger like honey. Mmm honey. Izaya doesn’t like sweets much, but at the moment even that sounded good. He wishes he didn’t have to fast before his test. After they part he bumps their noses together.

“Do you want to take your emergency anxiety meds with you?”

“I won’t need it,” Izaya argues. Shizuo laughs and his next words are soft and gentle. It’s strange (marvelous) that his former adversary is so approachable.

“It’s just one extra thing in your pocket. Can’t hurt.”

Izaya nods. He hates this, that he needs medication. He pockets the bottle just as Kasuka is coming in.

“I’m ready,” Izaya says. Shizuo gives him an encouraging smile, just as his stomach growls.

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

“I’m getting something on the way,” Shizuo explains, a bit sheepishly “felt kind of fucked up to cook and eat breakfast with you here fasting.”

Izaya laughs; feeling sort of touched “you’re really something. See you in a bit.”

The ride to the lab clinic isn’t long. In fact Izaya wish it were longer so he had more time to mentally prepare. Then again he wants to get it over with already.

_Just a little prick, and a bit of blood, people do this all the time, what the actual fuck is wrong with me?_

“Have you been fasting?” the woman at the desk asks.

_The knife slides deep, deeper than it should ever go. The pain is liquid and hot in his side. He knows he’s going to die. Shizuo hates him, Vorona hates him. He never really wanted him to hate him. Now Vorona and Shizuo will probably be together._

Kasuka’s elbow nudges his side, gently, Izaya flinches.

“Yes. I’ve been fasting,” he’s nauseous, from his memory playing out, or the lack of food in his belly he’s not sure.

“Sounds good, sign here,” she sounds almost bored, like Izaya’s palms aren’t sweaty and he isn’t slowly dying on the pavement, waiting for someone to find him and take him to the hospital.

Izaya doesn’t want to die.

He truly doesn’t, he just likes to think about it sometimes.

The wait isn’t long, because he has an appointment, but as the clock ticks his panic builds.

“Would you like anything? Water?”

Kasuka is trying to suggest he take his medication.

“No,” Izaya snaps, “I’ll let you know if I _want_ anything.” he digs the bottle out and more or less shoves it at him 

Kasuka shrugs and pockets it.

“C’mon back,” they call.

Izaya sits in the chair; she secures a band around his arm, making small talk as she starts to draw his blood.

_He was just answering his phone. What is this Yodogiri bastard thinking saying he can see Izaya? There was a jarring jostle as he was bumped into, the fear and dread building as he quickly realizes he has been injured, that he’s bleeding…_

“No!” Izaya says aloud. He needs to call Namie, so she can help, he feels like he’s going to pass out.

_We’re losing him; he’s lost too much blood! We need to get him to the O.R. now! The IV had gone in quickly, so fast because he needed it right then and there, it had stung all the way down._

“I’m sorry?” the woman is asking.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” She's got a needle with her, and Izaya doesn't want it. He doesn't want to do this again.

Izaya doesn’t want to die. He doesn’t want surgery, he doesn’t want…

“I don’t want to die!”

“Sir, please calm down.”

“Can I come in there please?” someone is saying, “my friend got stabbed twice last year and he gets scared sometimes, can I give him this? It’s prescribed and will help him calm down.”

“It shouldn’t hurt. I’ll make a note on his chart, please feel free to mention anything like that in the future beforehand. I’ll give you a few minutes.”

“Here,” Kasuka is saying. It feels like the very air is strangling him; sucking the life from his body, as he lies on the pavement, blood seeping, waiting to die.

The phlebotomist comes in with water. Suddenly not taking the pill felt silly. 

It’s an easy thing to physically swallow, but a hard thing to accept that he must. But if the pill will ease this misery, then he’ll happily swallow.

“That should help.” Kasuka is saying. Izaya knows he’s shaking all over. He might even be crying. Kasuka might be hugging him, but he can’t feel it. All he knows is that he’s scared and that he's not entirely sure what's going on. Kasuka doesn't say much, but he's there, and the hug isn't even awkward like Izaya might have imagined it to be. Eventually, things come back in drips and drabs. The sensations in his body, like the sweat on his neck, the subtle cold of Kasuka’s hands on his back, the wetness under his eyes. Eventually he knows where he is again, and feels silly, and the nurse peeks her head in, to check on him.

“Are you ready? Have you calmed down?” she asks. There was no judgment there. It’s just a question, like she’s dealt with this sort of thing before. She probably has.

“Do you see the bird out the window?” Kasuka asks him suddenly.

“What?” Izaya asks lamely, "why the hell would I care about a stupid bird?"

The prick of the needle hurts, because he’s tense, but Kasuka keeps talking. Izaya closes his eyes and listens.

“She’s building a nest, she’s on the ledge. Do you see her? She’s mostly brown, but has a little white on her. I wonder what kind of bird she is. She probably is going to lay eggs.”

Izaya makes himself breath, let’s Kasuka say more words than he’s heard from him in one sitting before.

“There, all set, I’ve collected what I need,” she’s saying, “If you need a minute, just sit for a bit.”

“Thank you,” Kasuka is saying. He hugs Izaya for a long time, like Shizuo does, but his hands are cooler, his frame smaller. It works though. It helps.

“Would you like to get something to eat?”

Izaya nods. He is hungry, “I want to go home.”

When he gets home, Shizuo is coming in the door. Izaya wants him, and doesn’t even need to ask to be held. Shizuo just looks at him and he knows.

“You better now?” Shizuo asks. Just the smell of him feels grounding; his chin on top of Izaya’s head is even better. It’s so much better.

“I’m going to make breakfast,” Kasuka says in the kitchen.

“Why were you so nice to me?” Izaya asks suddenly, “Sorry. Yes I’m better. Did Kasuka text you?”

“You’re my brother’s boyfriend.” Kasuka looks mildly annoyed, like Izaya should know why already. Why wouldn’t Kasuka be nice to Izaya, is what the look says. It makes Izaya feel warm.

“To answer your question,” Shizuo says gently, his voice somewhere above Izaya's closed eyes, "yes he did, but only because he was worried. My session was over by then, I didn’t miss it, if that’s what you’re feeling bad about. We just want to make sure you are okay.”

He isn’t sure how to say thank you to either of them, but when Kasuka brings his breakfast, and Shizuo loops his arm around him as they sit down, he knows he doesn’t need to.

Shizuo holds him until breakfast is ready, and only lets go when they finished eating.

“Do you still feel up to do hot pot this evening? With Celty and Shinra?” he asks. 

“Yeah. I do, might be nice to see my…”

“You can say friends,” Shizuo says with incredible warmth and fondness, “you need to stop punishing yourself. Nobody is mad at you anymore.”

Izaya laughs. He feels like the day has been an absolute roller coaster of happiness, then pain and fear, and now happiness again.

“I really do live moment to moment, don’t I?” Izaya laughs. It’s on the tip of his tongue again; he wants to tell Shizuo how much he means. And honestly why the hell not?

“Shizuo?”

“Hmm?” He’s got a mouthful of food in his mouth.

“You’re so beautiful, did you know that?”

“Ehh??”


	17. no dealbreakers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo.... I had this already finished, and decided to upload early instead of waiting until I hadn't just updated, especially since the holidays are a bit crazy sometimes lol. And also because I am pumped about this ending!
> 
> Writing a bipolar character as a person with bipolar disorder has been rewarding in ways I feel like I can't even fully express. It's been lovely, and I hope to hear what you guys think of this ending <3 
> 
> Thanks for reading, commenting and kudo'ing lol. It's been fun, so I hope you guys enjoy a sappy little Shizaya ending. <3

“Wow! It’s Shizuo and Izaya’s first ever outing as a couple, displaying their love among friends in a steamy hot pot, almost as hot as their love! It’s almost like when… when… oh, I’M SO EXCITED! I can’t even think of a suitable reference!”

“Nice to see you too, Erika,” Izaya deadpans. Shizuo chuckles with both amusement and slight discomfort.

“Please forgive Erika,” Walker laughs genuinely, “this real life enemies to lovers boys love is a bit much for her.”

Dotachin looks slightly uncomfortable, but says nothing. Tsguru drinks his drink, looking the same.

_Looks like we’re a bit much for them too._

Izaya knows not everyone will feel okay with them being an item, but it bothers him a bit more when people are quiet about it than it does Shizuo.

Shizuo came full circle with his identity. He went from deeply uncomfortable and somewhat intense denial, to holding Izaya’s hand without complaint in Ikebukuro while people gasped and took pictures.

Izaya doesn’t have a problem with being gay, but he knows what they have is far from traditional in many other ways. He is always hoping people don’t think he’s tricking Shizuo somehow.

Dotachin and Shizuo are talking, and Izaya is mostly tuning him out, until he is addressed.

“It’s weird. You two are happy though? Not fighting anymore?” Izaya wonders if he’s scared for Shizuo’s safety. He can’t even blame him.

“I’m pretty happy,” Izaya admits. Shizuo nods, and finds Izaya’s hand at his side, gives it a squeeze. Kadota nods, apparently satisfied.

“And that’s what counts,”

“You came!” Shinra says loudly. He glomps Izaya. Who the hell glomps people? What are they teenage girls?

“Yeah, I came, what of it?” Izaya laughs bitterly. Shizuo gives him a slightly stern look.

“Thanks for inviting me,” he amends. Shizuo gives his hand a little squeeze.

“What are you, my keeper?” he grumbles.

“Don’t be nervous,” Shizuo murmurs. It’s been an overwhelming party so far everyone wanting to talk to them, because they hadn’t ‘debuted’ until now. Lots of people were here, including some he wasn’t sure he was willing to talk to, including Rio, Mikado and Anri. Masaomi and Saki were thankfully absent.

Anri is giving him a look from across the room.

“Might as well get this over with,” Izaya grumbles, “hello, Anri. I heard you slashed your boyfriend.” He expects a flush, a ‘how dare you’ but she straightens her head. Anri isn’t big on holding her head high, or even making eye contact, but she does both. Even Mikado doesn’t say anything, but he looks at Izaya in a way that indicates he needs to choose his words wisely.

“I did. I cut Mikado,” Anri begins “Initially when I got Saika, I hated doing stuff like that. It felt wrong, to control someone and make them my slave.”

“What changed?” Izaya asks curiously. She looks down a bit, wavering in her confidence. He knows her words are still true, but that her defiance has given way to bashfulness, because what she was about to tell Izaya was very personal.

“I love Mikado. I love him more than Saika loves everybody. And when he asked me to help him I couldn’t refuse.” At her words, Mikado looks both pleased and slightly surprised, like he still isn’t used to these types of statements, even from Anri.

“I see. That to an extent makes sense,” Izaya admits. He still finds Saika rather bizarre.

A small silence.

“How far along is Saki? I just heard she was pregnant,” he asks.

“Oh! Well actually, she went to the hospital recently, I think Masaomi didn’t advertise how far along she was, because of them not being married,” Mikado laughs, “they should be able to come home soon.”

It’s not shocking, that Masaomi would only let Izaya be privy to information as he needed to be. It doesn’t sting. It’s weird to see these former highschoolers as young adults. It doesn’t per say make him happy, because it feels so strange, but it feels better than tormenting them ever did.

“Well. I hope it’s a healthy delivery,” Izaya says honestly as he is pulled into yet another conversation.

Man, he hates her weird, ugly sweater.

“Namie. I can’t keep up with you, first you tell me to watch my back, and then I hear you’re in my corner,” he teases. She rolls her eyes.

“How so? Don’t tell me some convoluted thing about me actually giving a damn about you.”

“You faked an autopsy for me.”

“I was paid to,” she deadpans. Izaya laughs.

“You told Shiki it was unnatural for me not to be an informant. You tried to help.”

“Because… because I like…” She catches herself, but Izaya knows what she was about to say and laughs triumphantly. Namie scowls.

“You were about to say you liked working with me, weren’t you?” Izaya mocks. She sighs like he’s caught her with her hand in the cookie jar, but softens slightly.

“So what? Is that so strange, that I don’t dislike it? The money was good, and it was always interesting. Are you coming back?”

“Yes, Shizuo and I talked about it. He says I can do what I need to do, I plan on fanning the flames a bit less, though.”

“Whatever you say,” Namie laughs lightly. She looks almost fond, and it’s strange, “Everyone sets their own standards, don’t let him set them for you.”

“He doesn’t,” Izaya points out, “he just makes it easier for me to be nice to people.”

Namie opens her mouth just as the door opens to Masaomi. He looks like Christmas has come early and he’s been given the entire world as a present.

“You okay?” Shinra asks. Masaomi beams.

“Six pounds, twelve ounces. Little Nozomi Kida is here!” Everyone claps.

“Shouldn’t you be with Saki?” Izaya teases. Masaomi laughs.

“She’s behind me. Just moving slow cause her boobies are leaking.”

“Masaomi!” Saki chides. She looks exhausted, but equally as pleased, Nozomi in her arms asleep.

“C’mon, it’s fine. It’s the only thing we’ll ever feed her that will be free.”

“That’s true,” Saki laughs softly, “just wanted to say hi, before we head home. We don’t wanna expose her to too many people yet.”

Anri looks like she’s itching to hold her.

“Here!” Saki giggles, “you can go first, Anri chan!”

“Oh, no, I couldn’t possibly,” Anri cries as she comes forward and holds out her arms.

There’s a strange warmth in Izaya’s chest as he watches.

“You know… if Japan ever gets with the program with gay marriage we could probably adopt us one of those.” Shizuo says warmly in his ear.

“It’s not possible.” Izaya stutters, “just from who I am, to… to your record, our jobs being what they are, to us being gay…”

Shizuo laughs out loud, “I’ve basically got superpowers, and my best friend is headless. Don’t go lecturing me, on fucking ‘possible’ now. Who’s to say we won’t be able to have a daughter or a son for that matter someday? Go ahead, say it’s 1000% impossible, I dare you flea, you can’t”

Izaya kisses him with incredible fondness. He really wants to raise a child with a lunatic like Izaya? Either he’s insane himself, or they really are in love.

“There’s no such thing as 1000% Shizu chan. Don’t be stupid.”

Shizuo bites him on the nose and the baby starts wailing when Izaya swears.

“At the very least, I should move in,” Izaya says once the commotion dies done.

“You mean with me? Your apartment is a lot nicer,” Shizuo points out.

Izaya shrugs. When he thinks of his ritzy, glamorous apartment with all the stainless steel and the glass, and the nights he spent wanting to die, it dims intensely to Shizuo’s place. He’s had so many cool things happen there, so many steamy nights, the mattress might be smaller but the sheets were soft and the old carpet felt better on Izaya’s feet in the morning that the cold floors did at Izaya’s apartment.

“You’re place feels more like home to me now,” Izaya mentions honestly. Shizuo kisses him softly, but they are interrupted before it deepens.

“Um… Excuse me? Can I talk to you?” Izaya turns and sees that Rio has found him. Shizuo looks mildly annoyed to have been interrupted, but looks understanding when Izaya walks away, knowing of Izaya’s past the way he does.

“Sure,” Izaya, agrees, he wants to get this over with. They end up on the balcony just like before.

“You mad at me?” It’s supposed to come out with an edge of sarcasm, but gets lost in his guilt and doesn’t come out as intended.

“No.” Rio says. She sounds like she means it. “I just keep wondering why you did what you did. What your motivation was, to say those things to me?”

Izaya sighs, “If I can be honest, I’m not entirely sure why I did what I did.”

“Think about it,” Rio prompts gently. The city below is bustling, people passing by all the colors blending into each other like they always do.

Izaya still gets this little urge to climb over the railing and let go. He wonders if that will ever go completely away.

“You feel it too, don’t you? That urge,” Rio says almost sweetly, “you didn’t full realize it at the time. You weren’t questioning my motives so much as you were challenging your own. You felt crazy wanting what I wanted that night, couldn’t even admit it to yourself, so you put me on the spot. It was never about me or anyone else involved in the pacts. You were trying to use us to make your own feelings make sense,”

Izaya laughs. He laughs long and hard, and when he’s done he feels like crying, because now that Rio has spoken these strange words he knows that they are true. Rio says nothing more. She doesn’t need to. She killed him with her softness and logic, and he will never be the same, that in itself might not be a bad thing.

“Goodbye, Miss Rio.” Izaya knows he won’t see her again. He’s more or less okay with this, but there’s no ill will there. It’s funny that in the end he learned more from the one he mocked than he ever did in therapy.

He sits on the balcony for a few minutes, before he hears footsteps approaching. He smiles, knowing without looking who it is.

“Hey.”

“Hay is for horses,” Izaya says. He wraps his arms around Shizuo’s waist. They don’t speak for a long moment.

“I feel like half the time I want to jump because I don’t want to exist anymore.” Izaya says eventually, “and the other half of the time I want to jump to see if I can fly.”

“Which one is it now?” Shizuo’s hands are incredibly warm on his waist, everything about him was warm, his eyes most of all.

“It differs day to day.” Izaya answers honestly, he needs to kiss Shizuo so he does, and with great enthusiasm. When they part, he asks,” I don’t think it’ll change, do you?”

Shizuo looks slightly dazed, lips red. He laughs, “only you, flea, would kiss me like that and then ask such a serious question.”

Izaya looks at him with both amusement and a plea for an answer.

“Yeah. I think you’ll still be depressed sometimes. The meds are a tool for health but it’s like the doc said, you will have this all your life. And sometimes, maybe you’ll want to hurt yourself.”

Izaya nods, feeling somewhat satisfied by his boyfriends’ honesty.

“So… if I stay this way, and I’m healthy, it’s not a deal breaker?” Izaya confirms. To his alarm Shizuo’s face turns incredibly sad. His next words are the revelation of Izaya’s life.

“You can be unhealthy too. I don’t plan on bouncing if you have a shitty time with your mental health. There will be times where you do everything right and have horrible episodes. There will be other times, where you do everything wrong and have a bad time. Nothing to me, with you, is really a deal breaker. I mean you ordered like what, 5 hits on me? And I’m here aren’t I?”

Izaya doesn’t much to say to that, so he just wraps his arm tighter around Shizuo’s waist. It’s enough to let this action speak for him, because most days all he needs is this simple contact, Shizuo’s body touching his own and making the world make sense again.

“Do you really want to?” Izaya asks eventually, “work together, live together, and eventually adopt? That’s a big commitment.”

Shizuo kisses him on the forehead. In the fading light of the setting sun, there is no downside, there is none at all. It feels like Izaya’s life is finally resuming as the light goes away.

It’s fitting: because the night has always been something he’s loved, but he’s loved it for different reasons, and now as Shizuo looks at him with mirth and joy to soundlessly tell Izaya, that yes, he wants everything Izaya wants, Izaya loves the darkness for it’s intimacy and not for the lack of light.

“C’mon guys! Come on Oniichan! Let’s eat!” Mairu yells from inside. Kururi appears, quiet as always, and tugs on Izaya’s sleeve to bring him inside.

“Hot pot with friends, and family, huh?” Izaya says quietly.

He’s always wanted this.

When he gets inside, Celty is watching him. He remembers waking up in the car, bleeding, surprised he survived, with Celty’s shadow holding his wounds together.

“Thank you for inviting me,” he says lamely. She texts on her phone.

“We are glad you are here,” Celty’s phone reads. He knows she understands what he really means, so he smiles.

“I’m glad to be here.”

Some time later…

“You really think, my guys and I are gonna go for a deal like that? Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“Careful now,” Izaya warns flirtatiously, “you do know I’m working for Shiki don’t you? I’ve been operating in this city a lot longer than you have, and this deal is your best option. I’m sorry if you feel like it’s unfair, but you have been doing things the wrong way, and sometimes, this is how these things work.”

The lowlife gang leader snorts, “Shiki isn’t even in Japan and I don’t trust you! Like the word of a gay little bitch means anything. Who’s cock you sucking after this meaning?”

Izaya feels joy singing in his blood, in his very veins. He thinks for a minute, but he already knows what to say. It’s the delivery that was the fun part, after all.

He can feel Shizuo bristle all the way from his position guarding the door, but knows he won’t interfere unless he has to. He knows Izaya can handle this.

“You cheated on your taxes in April of 2003.”

“What?? No I didn’t!”

“You owe about $4567. Not a terribly large amount of money, well for me at least, but you also owe $560 for a poker game you cheated on and supposedly won money on, if they found out you didn’t actually win, I’m sure they’d want more from you than your money. How awful would that be if they had you roughed up for it! Truly a tragedy!”

“Now listen here…”

“Does your girlfriend of six years know that on your five year anniversary you weren’t really sick, you were having sex with her coworker? Incidentally, you had bought a diamond tennis bracelet to give her to make up for it, because you felt guilty, but you sold that to get rid of another gambling debt…” Izaya takes a deep breath because there’s more, but the man puts his hand up.

“I’m happy to take the deal, Mr. Orihara.”

“I like that! Mr. Orihara! Has a great ring to it! Much more preferable than ‘gay bitch’” Izaya gets up, relishing in the panic on the man’s face. “Oh! You wondered who I was doing after this! This is Shizuo Heiwajima, he’s the strongest man in Ikebukoro, and he is the one I will be sucking off after this! I’m so glad you’re willing to work with us. You’ve made an excellent choice!”

Watching him scurry out the door makes Izaya cackle like a witch.

After they are alone again, and Izaya’s laughter dies out, Shizuo pulls him in close, kisses the side of his head.

“You finally feel like you again. I was scared I had lost you for awhile there.” He tells Izaya.

Izaya laughs again, but differently. It’s not a bitter laugh, or a sarcastic laugh; it’s one of the truly happy kind.

“I finally feel like myself, again.”

He really does, and it’s nice.

“Now what’s this about a blowjob?”

“I could be persuaded.” Izaya laughs

_The only way to truly escape the mundane is for you to constantly be evolving. Whether you choose to aim high, or aim low. Enjoy each day for what it is._

There was still evidence of his illness: the number on the fridge to the hospital Daisuke had given Shizuo, just in case. there was the extra key Shizuo had given Kasuka in case of emergency, and there was a reminder for the next support group meeting on Izaya's phone, and another to refill his meds just before he ran out.

These things weren't heartbreaking anymore to Izaya, they had become tools for the happiness he wanted and that wasn't to say things were perfect.

And he is. Izaya is enjoying his life.


	18. giant flaming coward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHANGE OF PLANS!  
> I was gonna make this a series, but I've never done like a super long fic and I wanted to make this longer, so starting from here it's what was Progressively Stitched. I might keep the other one up because it has comments and bookmarks and stuff, but EVERYTHING will be updated here. SUPERFIC :D
> 
> for the people that left me comments on the other work I deleted, I really appreciate you. i actually copy and pasted the comments into word doc so i wouldn't lose them. I really appreciate you guys. Your comments make me smile :) I know that by writing characters with mental health characters I can express myself, and help a little with the stigma and I think it's cool that you guys are so down for it <3 please enjoy

Being angry is powerful, is what people tend to say. They think that he’s the strongest man in Ikebukoro. That he lives and breathes power and fury. That he’s _strong._

Bullshit. All of it. Lies, utter lies.

Shizuo never feels powerful when he’s angry. He feels like a coward every time. He feels like a giant flaming turd. A worthless jackass.

There’s no power in anger. It is, and has always been his greatest weakness.

The anger is just a scary façade to pain, and shame and every time Shizuo throws a stop sign a little part of him dies. He shatters like glass, as he loses his cool.

He’s so ashamed.

Shizuo hates violence. He does. It just seems to come so naturally to him.

His knuckles sting. They should probably go to the ER for stitches, or at least Shinra, but there is something comforting about Izaya being the one doing it. He’s stitched Shizuo’s knuckles on this hand before, in this very spot. He can see the scar underneath the new damage. It feels like the rest of him like it never heals.

“Stop,” Izaya says firmly. His stitches are just as even and measured as his voice. There’s an odd gentleness to it, but the command is still intact.

“I’m not moving that much,” Shizuo grumbles.

“That’s true. That’s not what I’m talking about. The inner dialogue right now where you are telling yourself what a truly horrible person you are for losing your temper again is what needs to stop.”

“I lost it again.” Shizuo breathes, dread creeping into his tone.

“Yes,” Izaya agrees, “does that mean you’re a bad person?”

“I… I try so hard to be different. Fuck!” He slams his other fist down on the other side of the table, hot tears gathering to pool in his eyes.

“People don’t change overnight,” Izaya laughs. His amusement could sting, but it brings a little lightness instead, a lightness that is very much needed.

“I should be better.”

“You really think this isn’t better? Instead of breaking someone’s nose or damaging a building you punched a sign. Isn’t ideal. Isn’t healthy. But there are no cops and no blood other than yours, so isn’t this at least a slight improvement?” Izaya finishes the stitches, and cups Shizuo’s face in his hands.

“Listen to me.”

“No.” He knows what Izaya is going to say and he doesn’t want it. It hurts because he can’t accept it.

“Yes.” Izaya punctuates his sentence with a kiss. It develops beautifully. It lingers on and on until he feels like he’d rather die of suffocation than not be connected to Izaya. When they part Izaya looks determined.

“You have a long way to go. You fucked up today. You can do better. Deal with that tomorrow. But you’re better than you used to be, and you have to acknowledge that. You can’t be all or nothing. You got to give credit to what you _have_ accomplished, even if you aren’t completely happy with where you are now.”

“Okay,” Shizuo mumbles in defeat.

“Say it,” Izaya prompts. He’s still smiling and Shizuo smiles despite not wanting to.

“I’ve made some progress,” Shizuo admits. Izaya smiles even wider. In the past his broad smiles prompted anger, but now it just looks cute.

“Yes, you have.” Izaya connects their mouths again “and I’m proud of you.”

It’s the next day when the subject comes up again. Shizuo wishes they didn’t talk

of his anger so often.

_Are you ashamed of me?_

The question is always there, right on his tongue at the tip, like it’s a cat hair and he’s trying to pull it off his taste buds. There’s that itch, of should _really_ I ask? Do I want to know the answer?

“The bail was high this time,” Izaya giggles, “what did you do this time, babe?”

Izaya’s been through so much this year. Therapy, depression, growth. Sometimes Shizuo feels like Izaya is growing as a person while Shizuo gets into more fights.

Shizuo remembers when they first started fucking, hate sex, always hate sex, until one day he couldn’t help but feel empty for it. It didn’t feel suitable anymore, to not _love_ Izaya

Izaya was enticing even then, with his snarls and his clever words, twisted as they may be, his talented fingers and his wicked mouth.

Fuck, his mouth.

As the relationship grew into something else, he was less enticing. He was brittle still, but beautiful in ways Shizuo hadn’t expected. His intelligence, his somewhat tortured mind, his quest for better health a few months after his bipolar diagnosis. And yes, they still had a good amount of rough sex, but it started to flesh out into much more than that: Shizuo quitting smoking, Izaya eating more, taking his medication. Growing as people in what felt like a somewhat lopsided way.

He loves Izaya so he doesn’t know how to answer this lighthearted question, a question that he does not feel lighthearted enough to answer as intended

“I assaulted someone for spitting out gum, which I stepped on,” the admission is unbearably glum on his tongue, and turns Izaya in his tracks.

“Really? Even for you that’s…” Izaya admits.

“I’m not proud of it,” Shizuo says softly. Izaya looks fond and tired.

“I know. You never are.”

When they get in the cab, Shizuo sighs.

“I feel like I go on automatic pilot, and it’s all over. I wanna learn… please don’t laugh.”

Izaya rolls his eyes, smiles like the conversation isn’t terribly heavy “why would I? I’m assuming your going to suggest you do something about your temper which is an idea I will support.”

“Really?” Shizuo starts, “am I that bad?”

Izaya shrugs, “not to me. You have a soft spot for me. But I feel like you hate yourself for it sometimes. Have you talked to Daisuke about it in your sessions?”

Shizuo laughs with great exasperation, “many times.”

Izaya weaves their hands together; “sometimes we need to wrestle with our demons for a long while before they release their grip.”

“You make it sound so poetic,” Shizuo snorts.

“If you… if you like, you could share during the support group.” Izaya suggests quietly.

Shizuo has to swallow the retort on his tongue.

He wants to say “yeah, like I have a mental illness,” but he’s spent most of his and Izaya’s healthier relationship telling him not to be ashamed of his head problems, and he doesn’t wanna fuck that up _too._

“Okay,” he gives Izaya hand a kiss on the back.

“Okay,” Izaya kisses him for real in the cab as the driver glares at them.


	19. main brain problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So again, I am choosing not to do a series, and will just update here. Gonna see if I can write a realllllly looong fic :D thanks for your support, sorry if this is confusing. I'm kinda confused too. Please enjoy!

“Take a deep breath,”

The air is slipping through his fingers, like he’s drowning in it, like the air is being stolen from his very lungs. He’s dying. He feels like he can’t think, can’t survive with these feelings inside him.

His lover’s face appears, calm but worried.

“I’m going to give you something to help with your panic attack okay?”

The tears in his eyes blur his vision. He knows he was never supposed to be this way. He doesn’t mean to be so…

“I just wanted to do group like you suggested.” He’s come here so often in support, and to now be judged…

“Nobody’s judging babe. Just don’t tell too many people I gave you my sedative. You don’t have a prescription yet.”

Yet. He doesn’t want one in the first place.

Shizuo blinks and watches Izaya dote on him. He swallows Izaya’s meds, he leans on Izaya at Izaya’s support group.

“It’ll take about fifteen minutes to kick in, at which point we can rejoin the group.”

Shizuo nods. He’s seen this before. Seen Izaya panic many times, during the night mainly.

Izaya said once there was no warning, and fuck, he was right.

“Better?” Izaya asks delicately. He’s rubbing Shizuo’s back with his stronger arm. When did he start doing this? He has no memory of the touch beginning.

“I’m sorry,” Shizuo croaks instead of truly answering.

“What for?” Izaya cocks his head.

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean…” Shizuo sniffles, feeling like a child.

“The group leader asked you some really hard questions about your anger. It’s okay that this threw you off. Clearly you have some underlying anxiety and you had your first panic attack.” Izaya swipes under his eyes with his thumbs and giggles when they glisten.

“I know this will sound terribly insensitive but you look kinda pretty when you cry Shizu chan.”

Shizuo snorts, “fuck you,” feeling suddenly much lighter.

Izaya laughs, “if you have another panic attack in the future, don’t apologize for it. It’s okay. It’s a reaction that you have because you have anxiety.”

“Never realized I did.” Shizuo sighs. He wonders if this is some new thing where he starts going crazy. He knows Izaya gets by okay, but he would rather not have anything of his own, nothing to share with Izaya other that sympathy and kisses and support. Having a whole lot of common ground mentally as someone with PTSD and Bipolar with psychosis was not what he wanted.

He feels guilty thinking this way. Maybe he does have mental health problems. Maybe he’ll be taking meds soon.

“Everyone on the planet has anxiety. It’s just worse for others.” Izaya looks matter of fact and slightly sad.

“You feel okay rejoining the group?” the leader asks from inside. Izaya looks at Shizuo.

“Do you think it would be good to go back in?” he counters.

“I would like to. You don’t have to share. If you do though, it’ll be good. It’s good to deal with negative emotions instead of fearing them.” Izaya points out.

Fear. That’s what had led to this little outburst.

“ _I know I usually just sit with Izaya, but I was hoping I could share tonight?”_

_“Sure!”_

Shizuo knows the pill is in his system so he doesn’t hyperventilate like before, but remembering still blows.

_“So what you’re saying is that you become angry, like really angry a lot?”_

_“Yeah.” Shizuo had agreed. His fist had clenched under the table, palms wet with sweat._

_The leader of the group had nodded. A few people exchanged looks. They knew of course who Shizuo was, and what he was capable of._

_“Sometimes with anger,” the man continued, “we aren’t actually angry, it just comes out as the secondary emotion. Anger feels more powerful and less vulnerable. Often we are ashamed or scared and the anger comes out because for a moment it feels less awful.”_

_“That’s silly!” Shizuo had scoffed, “like I’m always afraid!”_

Cue panic attack.

Fuck.

“Do you want to call a cab?” Izaya asks quietly, “maybe you can talk to Daisuke and then we can try to do the next meeting next week.”

Shizuo feels incredibly defeated. Like he’s failed.

“Yeah,” he agrees.

Izaya calls a cab and holds onto his arm while they wait.

“You didn’t do anything wrong Shizuo,” Izaya points out gently.

“Then why the fuck do I feel like I have?” he demands

Izaya smiles, the expression both wistful and grim.

“I’ll let you know when I figure that out.”

When they get home, Izaya goes to the couch, and sits. He doesn’t ask for Shizuo to come sit with him, but he doesn’t need to. They follow each other like the moon and tide, always pulling each other to and from.

Shizuo contemplates feigning recovery and stability, but considers that Izaya knows he’s not okay.

Izaya often sits in Shizuo’s lap. Not even in a sexual way, okay yeah they do that a lot too.

It’s nice to bury his nose is Izaya’s hair, put his arms around him and know Izaya will feel comforted. He imagines it must be nice for Izaya too, to feel surrounded in protection.

Shizuo never gets to feel surrounded. He feels like the playground bully. He sticks out like a sore thumb, like an idiot with bleached hair and sunglasses, who throws shit like a toddler and breaks people’s arms and cars.

“Ok… so am I holding you or what?” Izaya laughs, “get your skinny ass over here!”

“Fine.”

Shizuo sits and leans in. He’s always scared when they cuddle. He feels like he’s going to break Izaya by squeezing too hard. He’s not sure why the sex doesn’t scare him. Maybe because it was rough to start with and predated their true relationship.

“You okay?” Izaya asks.

“I’m scared I’ll hurt you,” Shizuo blurts.

“Why?”

“Don’t be dumb! I’m superhuman, you’re…. You’ve been stabbed and beaten up and broken….”

“You have too!” Izaya cackles.

“I’M STRONGER!” Shizuo near roars, “I can.. I can take it. You don’t…”

“Were you about to say that I don’t deserve to beaten and broken and you do?” Izaya asks quietly.

“I… don’t know.” Shizuo admits.

Izaya sighs, have frustrated and half fond “you can temper a lot of your strength. Holding me tight does not hurt. It’s actually nice.”

“I wanna hold you as tight as I can, though. And I can’t”

Izaya snorts, frustration gone, all fondness, “aw, you do love me.”

Shizuo nods, completely resolute, “I do.”

“Well,” Izaya pauses for effect. He gestures for Shizuo to reposition more into his hold, “then the obvious solution is for my sad, stabbed, beaten, broken little body to hold your superhuman one as tight as it is possible for me.”

Shizuo nods, throat tight.

“How’s that?” Izaya purrs

“It’s pretty tight, all things considering.”

“Isn’t that what you said last night?”

“Izaya!”

It’s in the back of his mind still, (closer than the forefront than he’d care to admit) but it can wait for a pleasant moment or two.

Why did I, Shizuo have a panic attack? What’s wrong with me? Can I still be there for Izaya?

Izaya holds him snug, nuzzles into his jugular and bites.

“Stop using your main brain, c’mon” Izaya hints.

Well…if he insists.


	20. harsh fishhook possibilities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to thank all of you sincerely for all the lovely and thoughtful comments I've gotten. Some of them were so kind it almost teared me up. Writing about mental illness helps me so much, and I am so stoked that you guys are enjoying this story, because I've never written something this mental health focused and I wasn't sure how people would react. Never in my life have I felt so excited about a fic, nor have I felt so accepted, so thank you guys for that, and please enjoy today's chapter <3

Every morning at around five, Izaya’s body traitor that it was, wakes him up. He’s currently still under thirty years old, granted, just barely now, so the fact that he already wakes up with such measurable pain causes him some worry for the future. As with all mornings, he shoves this worry aside. He can’t help what his body does. He can barely handle what his mind does.

If his body doesn’t wake him up, the nightmares do. Shizuo is good about those. Izaya feels bad when he wakes up fighting, because he knows that being woken from the sound of your lover screaming is always startling, even if you understand why he’s afraid.

Izaya’s been dealt a shit hand, what can he do? He just needs to take care of himself, both with the physical therapy and the lithium. It’s all part of the continuous process of bettering. Managing. Always managing (fucking managing!) because bipolar disorder isn’t an infection, or a fever that clears and goes away. It’s in his very DNA until he dies, whether he likes it or not.

And Izaya doesn’t. He doesn’t like it one bit. Doesn’t matter though, because he needs to deal with his illness, nonetheless.

In a lot of ways, with the support group and the meds, and Shizuo, and his sisters he feels considerably better. It’s not like he’s as miserable as he was before. He doesn’t want to die, nor does he want to make impulsive and dangerous choices.

It’s just… hard. He feels like he’s been cursed. Is that wrong? It feels so silly, and he can’t bear to say it aloud, because it feels childish.

It’s not fair. Why would it be, life isn’t fair! He just wishes that considering he has one: a great job (shady and underground as it may be) two: the twins who are super awesome and back in his life, and three: the star of the show, his amazing boyfriend with his amazing support and his fantastic dick, that he would be happy, but he’s not. Not fully.

There’s something like grief in there too, even as he evens out and stabilizes.

_Why me? Why did I get this hand when everyone has nothing but aces?_

Izaya sighs softly. Maybe he should bring that up in a session.

Shizuo must have gotten up to smoke, because the bed is cold. Izaya lies in bed until he can’t take the building concern anymore.

Shizuo started smoking again after his first panic attack. Izaya doesn’t exactly approve, but sees it as a sign of distress more than anything else.

“Babe?”

“Who me?”

“Who else would I be calling?” Izaya giggles nervously. Typically their pet names are more insults than anything. It’s probably stranger for them to hear ‘babe’ than it would be to hear “c’mon over here, stupid.”

“Oh.” Shizuo says. It’s true, that they have already deviated from their norm, between the cold bed and the straight sugar nickname, they aren’t on a great footing and it’s still only…. Izaya glances at his alarm clock…. 5:14.

Shizuo comes in from the balcony with a rush of cold air. He smells like smoke and a little like sweat. It’s not from their night of lovemaking however; it smells like nerves.

“Can you tell me what’s going on?” Izaya asks half curious and half not sure if he should even pry.

“No, because, I don’t even really understand it myself,” Shizuo sighs. He scrubs at his face like he’s trying to change it into something else, maybe into someone else’s face instead.

Izaya doesn’t like it.

“Stop,” he soothes. He pulls Shizuo’s hands off his face. Holds his cheeks in his hands.

“I’m…” Shizuo says, “I’m really sorry.”

For a minute Izaya feels terrified that he’s about to be dumped, but Shizuo just melts into his hands instead.

“Why are you sorry?” Izaya asks simply, “I’m really worried about you. Please don’t be sorry.”

Shizuo sighs shakily, “I’ve never felt anything like this before. I feel like all the shit I’ve buried all these years is coming to a head, and I don’t know what to make of it. Do you remember when you were really deep in depression? And you said that during the day you pushed everything down and when you lied down at night, you remembered everything you forgot all day?”

“Was this when I was off my meds?” Izaya asks. He vaguely remembers. He had been quite out of it at the time.

“Yeah. Anyways, I feel like I need some really intensive sessions with Daisuke. I need to sort this shit out, so it doesn’t fuck me up anymore than it already has.”

Izaya smiles. He feels something warm and good in his chest.

“That’s all pretty darn insightful Shizu Chan. You have my full support.”

Shizuo doesn’t answer, just turns his head to the side to kiss Izaya’s palm.

“You stink by the way,” Izaya adds.

“Excuse me?” Shizuo demands with both annoyance and amusement, the annoyance being a bit more dominant.

Izaya scoots out of bed, “c’mon darling, to the shower, let me wash your hair.”

Their water bill is always really high, because washing always leading to more. It’s a shame that neither of them care.

When they get out of the shower, Izaya checks his phone and notices that Mairu has called him.

Three times.

The panic builds so fast it’s like some sort of sick whiplash, like he’s in a car that’s crashing.

The fourth call comes in before he has a chance to dial her back himself.

“Hey,” she starts immediately.

“What’s wrong?”

“I…” her voice cracks, “you know how you’re bipolar? Mom says… mom says she thinks I am as well.”

“Why?” Izaya sighs, feeling slightly bothered at the reminder that he hasn’t spoken to mom in… fuck knows how long. What’s she doing suggesting that Mairu has the curse too?

She’d have to be…

Suddenly he thinks of Mairu, who spends money like it was going out of style, kissed a lot of people without getting their names, who talked fast and loud, got really mad really fast, did things on a whim as a rule, and often cried over nothing at the drop of a hat and his stomach drops like a lead balloon in his belly.

“Do you wanna get evaluated?” he asks her carefully.

Mairu laughs, “no way! There’s no way I have it.”

Izaya breathes in slowly.

“I mean… you and I have a lot in common,” he points out carefully.

“What are you implying?” Mairu says softly. It’s the calm before the storm that was her temper.

“It’s a genetic disorder. Maybe go and see a doc and maybe they can check. It is possible that you have it too. But you need to see for yourself.”

“I don’t have it. There’s no way.”

“Then why did you call?” Izaya points out, feeling slightly annoyed now, “if you are certain you aren’t bipolar and if mom’s words are false and of no concern, why call me, who has the disorder, four times to discuss the possibility?”

Silence.

“I don’t want to have it,” Mairu says eventually. She sounds scared, and why wouldn’t she be, with how much she has seen Izaya suffer from it?

“I really hope you don’t,” Izaya says softly, “but the responsible thing to do is it get evaluated and see what happens. I can go with you.”

“I don’t know,” Mairu murmurs, “can I think about it?”

Izaya smiles sadly with the phone cradled at his shoulder.

“Of course. I love you.”

“I love you too. Bye.”

Shizuo comes in the living room, and Izaya barely notices, until he wraps his arms around him.

“Why are you crying?” he asks Izaya.

Izaya giggles, chokes on a sob, “didn’t realize I was.”

He thinks of his own personal journey, the pain of mourning his brain’s illness, the illness itself and considers the strain on Shizuo, the weight on his lover’s shoulders. He wonders if he can still lean on him, or if he will end up supporting them both. The worry lances guilt through him like a fishhook.

_I feel like I’m getting reeled in somewhere I don’t want to go. I feel like I’m going to be eaten, gutted, ruined…._

“I’m right here,” Shizuo says as firmly as his tender hold.

“Thank you.” Izaya sniffles.

“So, what’s going on?” Shizuo sounds calm but incredibly worried, “did one of your sisters call, are they okay?”

Izaya laughs harshly, “fuck I hope so.”


	21. sleep drunk distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading! I wanted to update so I'd be good for awhile, I haven't been well lately but I want to continue to post because it's therapeutic. I hope you enjoy!

Mairu is distant after their call.

Izaya understands, at least he thinks he does. It’s not easy to be in the holds of the fear that occurs when you start to question your own well being, your own sanity even.

Shizuo is distant too.

Izaya doesn’t understand that one, not as well.

He knows that Shizuo is going through… something. It’s just strange that he isn’t sharing. They’re partners aren’t they? Why can’t he just…

Izaya knows that his boyfriend doesn’t always have the best insight. He listens to Izaya, and he’s good for support and comfort, but he doesn’t always have that self-awareness himself.

For someone prone to explosion, he ironically waited to say what was on his mind until he fully knew where he himself was coming from. Sometimes he stewed, and would always eventually come to Izaya or at least Kasuka.

It’s just maddening that he’s picking now of all times to do so.

He can feel free to angst away when Izaya is stable, but now that Izaya is so worried about Mairu, it feels like bad timing.

Beneath his annoyance, Izaya’s honestly a little scared.

This isn’t like Shizuo, after all.

It’s hard to put an exact label on it. It’s like they haven’t connected like they used to. They’ve been fucking less, a lot less, and Shizuo’s smoking like crazy.

When they sleep, they fall asleep like they usually do, embraced, but come early morning Shizuo is up, out their balcony, smoking, staring up at the stars, like he’s waiting for an answer.

Izaya wonders… fuck, he can’t even think it, it’s so terrible.

_Sometimes Izaya stands on the balcony of his expensive apartment, watching the shapes of the city blur by, the blue of the cement, and the whites and pinks of the people and the fading yellow of the passing headlights and wonders what it would feel like to die._

He doesn’t even want to go there in his head, but maybe Shizuo’s in the same place Izaya was just a few months ago. Just the mere possibility makes Izaya feel like he’s drowning, going back to that place himself.

Izaya decides that morning not to wait up. If Shizuo wants to smoke his lungs to a crisp while Izaya lays in bed trying to go back to sleep, that’s his business. Izaya has better things to do anyways.

Like himself. Someone has to do it, since Shizuo is so distracted.

Shizuo comes in smelling like smoke, brows furrowed until he sees Izaya.

“What are you…”

“What does it look like?” Izaya laughs.

The morning becomes more … eventful, after that. It feels more like things are okay and less like things were going in a bad direction.

Still…

“You know,” Izaya starts, hesitation gone in the face of his now relaxed state “we have sex a lot instead of talking.”

“True,” Shizuo huffs, “although I do feel like we communicate best that way.”

“Not true!” Izaya protests. Shizuo shakes his head good-naturedly. He rests his head on Izaya’s chest. His sharp chin feels slightly uncomfortable. His eyes are beautiful; happy for the first time Izaya has seen in awhile.

“It is. I can tell when you’re depressed because you cling, I can tell when your pain is bad by how you position us. When you look away, I know you are somewhere else. This is the best way I understand where you are truly at, because you don’t hide when we do it.”

“Do I hide normally?” Izaya asks softly, not sure if he’s ready to hear the answer.

“Sometimes. But I’ve been hiding a lot lately too,” Shizuo admits.

“I feel like you’re pulling away.”

“In a way, I am.” Shizuo looks very serious all of a sudden, “and I am sorry about that, I have some things on my mind that I need to sort out. I’m trying to represent myself better if that makes sense. Not just spew out my feelings to you in a way that doesn’t make sense, or would be considered offensive.”

“Are you upset with me?” Izaya checks.

“No. Not at all. But I’m not ready to talk, not yet.” Shizuo says it so evenly that Izaya knows for sure that his words are true and heartfelt.

“In that case,” Izaya sighs happily, and in slight defeat, “I will wait.”

Shizuo nuzzles, actually fucking nuzzles his nose into his bare skin. It’s a thank you of the most intimate kind.

“You’re welcome,” Izaya purrs, petting at Shizuo’s hair.

A few miles away, a dullahan rides fast into the night, a young woman on her mind. It's either very early, or very late.

_I hope I get there in time._

Kururi waves when she sees Celty.

“Hello.”

“Where is she?” Celty types.

“Inside.” Kururi looks down, like she’s either hiding something, or like she’s ashamed.

“This is not your fault, Kururi. Really isn’t even her fault.”

“I know.” Kururi says softly.

Celty types.

“Just out of curiosity, why call _me?_ ”

“Izaya has enough.” Kururi says. Celty notes the downturn of her eyes, the shame.

“You feel like he’ll be mad at both of you. But you said you’ve tried to stop her, and it doesn’t work. It’s not your fault.”

“I know,” Kururi says simply.

“Eventually he will find out.” Celty types. Kururi sighs.

“I know that too,” she says eventually.

"I need you to come down."

"Really Tom? It's so early," Shizuo groans.

"It's almost seven. It's a good job, I'll get you some coffee, man."

Shizuo doesn’t want to get up. It’s comfortable, with Izaya’s skin on his, and Izaya’s hands in his hair. Nonetheless, he needed to get to work. Tom had been shorthanded since Vorona left and the surplus of work felt good. Izaya still made better money, but Shizuo liked the idea of not being so dependent on him

“I gotta go, babe.” Shizuo leans up. Izaya smiles fondly, still a little droopy in the eyes.

“Look at you,” Shizuo adds, “all sleep drunk. I’ll see you later.”

Izaya doesn’t kiss him goodbye, but he pulls him in with a greedy, squeezing hug and somehow that’s even better.

Back in the lobby of the apartment, Shizuo’s thoughts drift, like they tend to. He pulls out a cigarette and immediately starts the cycle of whether he really should or not.

He feels bad. About a lot of things.

Smoking again.

All the phones he’s cracked by throwing them.

All the punches, all the times he’s broken someone’s nose.

He broke Izaya’s arms.

Back then, but he did.

He fucked up that lady’s shop. Why does it always go back to that?

He tried to throw a fucking fridge at Kasuka. FOR EATING HIS PUDDING.

Shizuo knows a lot of people care about him, and that they know he’s working on his anger, and that they _believe_ in him.

Izaya’s been so supportive, incredible in his patience, and Shizuo knows it can’t be easy because Izaya has mental _and_ physical limitations that make it hard for him to exist much less support someone.

He does beautifully, and Shizuo hopes he knows that. He might mention it, maybe that would make Izaya feel good.

Fuck, he’s just so bad with words.

It’s when the cigarette is back between his lips that Shizuo notices people nearby that he knows.

“Hey! Celty! Mairu, Kururi!”

Celty stops dead in her tracks, if she had a face, she’d look worried.

Kururi looks slightly upset, which for her is a lot, and Mairu…

What’s she doing? It’s familiar, the stance, the posture, and the look in her eye.

It’s the shape of her mouth and the smell that gives her away.

Shizuo blinks, she’s not old enough, and he doesn’t want her to even if she was. If she's been at this all night, if Celty is just now getting her, that's pretty serious.

“Mairu?” he says carefully, “are you drunk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, teenagers do dumb shit, especially when it furthers the plot :)


	22. anywhere in the city, i will get you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and commenting. I appreciate it more than you will ever know, so please enjoy the chapter!

“Mairu… are you drunk?” Shizuo feels like he’s been hit hard in the head with a bat. He feels like whenever he gets used to the idea of Mairu doing something grown up, she’s already gone and done something bigger.

He remembers thinking she was so young to have a part time job, so young to be dating. So young for Izaya to ponder a few weeks ago over whether or not he should put her on the pill…

But drinking? She may be legal for a part time job and wow, by Japan’s lower than average age of consent, legal for stuff he doesn’t wanna think about, but the twins are still both underage for drinking. He’ll kick her scrawny ass if she does it again.

Celty has her arm around Kururi who still looks upset in her very subtle way. Shinra appears from inside the bar.

“Can’t believe they sold it to you. This isn’t even a good fake ID.”

“I tipped well.” Mairu giggles.

“This isn’t good. But as far as teens slash young adults, underage drinking can be quote on quote normal behavior. Mairu, how much have you had?” Shinra asks patiently.

“I only had a few beers with my friends,” Mairu says swiftly.

“No.”

“Kururi…”Mairu’s voice comes out like a warning.

“Was not a few,” Kururi says quietly.

“If you’re so chicken shit why did you come with?” Mairu spits.

“In any case, Mairu. you are seventeen which means you are several years short for any amount of beer,” Shinra says gently.

“Why did you drink?” Celty asked via type.

“Just having fun. It’s not actually a big deal.”

Shinra had shrugged, “let’s take her home. I’m assuming you don’t want your parents or Izaya to know?”

“No.”

“Too bad.” Shizuo snorted.

Shinra looks briefly contemplative.

“I don’t know what to do,” the good doc eventually says.

“What are you on?” Shizuo had laughed angrily “he’s their brother.”

“Exactly. I might let her mom handle it. Izaya might not handle it right. Maybe this is a mom kinda thing.” Shinra had suggested.

Shizuo had thought of the most recent nights. Him feeling like a shit boyfriend, not wanting to share his thoughts, the strain that brought on his lover, the way Izaya kept waking up in tears, fighting for his life from dreams that were actually memories.

He shakes his head hard. Even if this spells trouble for Izaya, it’s critical that he knows. He’s the closest person to Mairu other than Kururi and she needs him. It would be fucked up to leave him out of the loop, even if it felt easier in the long run.

“Let’s get you two home. I will call Izaya,” Shizuo announces firmly.

“No,” Mairu digs her feet into the pavement.

“C’mon.” Shizuo says softly, forcing himself to use a tone that won’t make things worse. “you did wrong, and now you gotta fix it.”

Cue, heavy staring contest.

“Mairu. You can do better,” Kururi says.

“No! No I can’t! Do you have any idea what I’ve been going though? I don’t want to be bipolar. I don’t want to be sick like Izaya!”

“Izaya does just fine,” Shizuo starts.

“I know, but I still wanted more,” Mairu looks close to tears now. The initial reaction on Shizuo’s part was that she had been being a little dramatic, but he notices the absolute distress now, and it makes his blood run cold.

“Mairu…”

She shakes her head, and turns.

“Come back!”

“Fuck off!”

Celty is calm but taking no nonsense as she intercepts Mairu.

“How much have you had?” she types, “and why?”

“I just wanted to have fun.”

“She had a lot.” Kururi says. “not beer. Shots.”

“Good grief,” Shinra says good naturedly, “Let’s get you home.”

Kururi tugs at Mairu’s sleeve.

“C’mon.” Celty gets Mairu on the bike, then seems to reconsider, as she shapeshifts it into a small carriage instead so Kururi, and Shinra can leave as well. She gestures at Shizuo, but he shakes his head.

“I was heading to work. Thanks anyways.”

Celty nods and is about to leave when Shizuo gently stops her.

“Kururi, you did the right thing calling. I am sorry you were scared.” He says softly.

Kururi nods.

“Mairu.”

“No.”

“Sorry,” Shizuo says evenly, “this isn’t optional.”

“Don’t want a lecture.”

“It’s not really a lecture,” he continues, “because I think you know that what you did was wrong, This you may not know.”

Mairu scoffs. She smells like perfume and vodka and smoke from the bar, but she is listening.

“If you decide to drink again, which hopefully you don’t and you find yourself feeling unsafe or overly intoxicated, or if you just plain want to go home, CALL me. I will get you anywhere in this city. If you’re going to be stupid, at least give me that, so I can make sure your dumbass is safe.”

Mairu studies him a long moment. She nods right before Celty takes off.

_Good. There's that at least._

When he goes to work he thinks of the best way to tell Izaya what’s going on.

When he gets home it’s started to rain. It smells amazing, and almost brightens up the fact that he has to tell his boyfriend shit news.

“So…” he starts when he gets through the door.

“I know,” Izaya looks resolute and cranky at once.

“Celty?” Shizuo winces.

“Kururi.” Izaya is asking with his eyes, why Shizuo didn’t tell him about Mairu’s little adventure himself.

“I didn’t know what to say,” Shizuo admits.

“I understand. I am still kind of in shock, honestly.” Izaya laughs coldly.

Shizuo pulls him in.

“I’m sorry.”

Izaya scoffs, “I’m not the one you should be sorry for.”

Shizuo hums, arms still wrapped tight around his Flea.

“I felt really bad for them both.’

It’s like that for a few days, that quiet sense of underlying worry, the way Izaya sleeps, curled tight in a little ball, with Shizuo pressed against his back, let’s them both know how dire this is.

It’s not until mid February that things start to feel more normal.

“Hey…” Izaya murmurs. The sun is going down. His hand is low on the waistband of Shizuo’s boxers, voice even lower. He smells like he just showered. The phrase “squeaky clean” comes to mind even as Shizuo struggles to wake up, grumbling ever so slightly. It's raining again.

“What?” Shizuo tries to grumble. It comes out as a yawn instead.

“Happy Valentine’s day,” Izaya purrs. Shizuo stirs and rolls over to see his boyfriend.

“What are those?” he gestures frantically.

“Panties. You’re going to take them off with your teeth.”

“It’s early.” Shizuo chides, the smell of what he thinks is his own body wash melting into Izaya’s damp skin, slowing starting to wake him up.

“I know, but I’m up. And soon you will be up.”

Shizuo bursts out laughing, “was that supposed to be a pun or something?”

“C’mon,” Izaya laughs. The early morning illuminates his face, and makes him look almost youthful.

Because fuck, when you stop and think about it, they both still are. Somewhere they forgot that in the mess of meds and depression and Mairu…

Izaya’s wearing a plug, which is both hot and convenient. He eventually pulls it out, and is literally pulling those little red lace panties to the side when…

The phone rings.

This call is for Shizuo.

“Hi, Shizuo.”

“Mairu?”

“I’m fucked up. I’m so sorry, do you think I can come home?”

“Okay, I’ll be right there.” Shizuo is already shrugging on pants, the annoyance of leaving the bedroom, and Izaya and those panties dimming in the knowledge that he has the potential to keep the girl safe tonight.

Mairu makes a gagging noise on the other end.

“Are you throwing up?” Shizuo says swiftly. He hears a shuffle as Kururi switches the phone.

“Yes. She’s sick. I can give you the address of where the party is at.”

Shizuo knew that stopping an independent and stubborn teen from partying was not really doable, but now he wishes he could have locked her up, and thrown away the key.

“What’s going on, please?” Izaya is wiping the wet parts of himself with a kleenex and shrugging on clothes.

“Umm. I think alcohol poisoning.”

“Oh. Well fuck,” Izaya says lightly as he goes stark white.

Shizuo calls a cab, and when they are in the cab he lets Izaya squeeze his hand so tight it actually hurts.

"I'm so pissed that I still have lube in my butt and now we are probably going to the ER," Izaya grumbles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol and substance abuse can be symptoms of a lot of mental illnesses, and rather taboo to speak of, so I think it is important that I do address it. I struggled with alcoholism as a teen and young adult and since Izaya didn't really have those issues, it was very important to me to include in the fic, even if it is upsetting. I realize it feels like shizuo and izays didn't take much action. That was intentional for plot and will be explained Please let me know what you think of this chap! :)


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